Posted by yellowbird01 on May 8, 2009, at 16:51:18
In reply to Re: Feeling crazy... whats wrong with me?, posted by garnet71 on May 7, 2009, at 18:58:30
Wow garnet, I really have to thank you posting this. I feel like I can relate to quite a bit of it. The statement about "having your sense of safety and trust shattered" really resonates. I cant say exactly why, but it definitely hit me in some way. The other part that I relate to is about it being a different feeling from either depression or anxiety. I have been feeling exactly that way... sort of depressed, but different from the depression I've ever experienced before. More agitated, anxious sort of... but it's not anxiety either. It's a feeling I cant describe. I'm going to do more reading on this and see what else I can learn...
The problem is, I'm not sure that there is any event (or series of events etc) that I could relate to causing PTSD. I havent experienced any real traumatic events. I was never abused a child in any way. I was neglected, but primarily emotional neglect - I always had plenty to eat, clothes to wear, etc. It certainly did build up and does affect me today... abandonment issues, need for reassurance, etc... but I dont have moments where the pain hits me, or moments where I'm particularly triggered or strongly reminded of it more than any other time really. I've always felt like something like that was necessary for something to be PTSD.
I can relate to your story about dropping the vent and leaving the store. That sounds pretty similar to how I've felt. In fact, I was in the grocery a few nights ago and had the urge to just swipe everything off the shelf as I walked down the aisle.. I didnt do it, but many of the inhibitions that keep me from doing things like that just werent there. I feel almost like... if you see a movie set in a state psych hospital and there is a very ill person sitting in the corner laughing to themselves for no reason that anyone understands. Not that severe, but it has felt like a touch of that. Just losing my mind.
For further explanation of what triggered everything Tues night... I'd seen my T on Tues and while the session was fine, I'm feeling very disconnected and having a lot of trouble opening up and trusting her right now. I'm sort of afraid of her at the moment. It's the first time I've really felt like this with her. That night, I was talking to an ex from a few years ago. He commented that the reason we broke up (even though I broke up with him) was because I'd always been so completely unsympathetic towards his suicidal feelings. If there is ANYTHNIG in this world I'm sympathetic towards, it's that, because I've been there so much myself. I did lose it when he said that and then never really came out of the "crazy" it sent me into. I guess I could look at that as further triggering feeling unsafe, uncertain and distrustful of others, etc... I have a lot to think about.
I felt better last night. I'm still at work right now for another few minutes so who knows what tonight will look like. I'm hoping this crazy has passed.
poster:yellowbird01
thread:894593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/894794.html