Posted by yellowbird01 on May 6, 2009, at 22:37:05
I dont know whats wrong with me. The last two days, I'm not myself. I've been hitting my head against the wall (not normal for me). Doing stupid stuff. I made a cake for a coworkers birthday tomorrow and didnt like how it looked out of the oven so I picked it up, threw it down so it would break, and broke it up into several pieces. My second cake (and the one I'll really take to work) just came out and is fine. But what would possess me to do that? That isnt like me. None of it is out of extreme anger or anything... I feel disconnected. Crazy. It all feels sort of funny to me, but I'm not cracking up over any of it. I'm not manic. A "crazy", insane sort of funny. I sent my T an email last night about some things and wrote in a style I'd never write to her... just more disconnected and not very careful, as I usually am, with explaining myself etc. I figured I'd regret it later and I really dont. I just feel like I've lost it a bit. I'm still going to work and functioning... heck, I had to go to court for work today and testified rather successfully! I'm fine there. But I come home and I dont know what has taken me over. I'm in control of myself, but I'm not. I dont know if it's agitation, or stress... I am stressed but no more than usual. I mentioned hitting my head but it wasnt terribly hard and doing that is more the result of this crazy state than the cause of it. Is this part dissociation? What the heck is wrong with me? How do I bring myself back? To be honest, it's sort of fun in a sense... but it's also scary.
I saw T yesterday at 11 and was okay afterwards. That evening, an old friend (ex boyfriend) and I were talking on instant message and he said something that was very hurtful and made me very angry.. I flipped out. That was the trigger. I havent felt normal since, except when I've been at work. I'm not upset about what he said anymore.. it just triggered a rush of feeling and now I've lost my mind. I'm not sure if the trigger is even relevant to where I am right now.
Does anyone have any idea what I'm saying? I dont even know how to describe it well. Or any thoughts?
poster:yellowbird01
thread:894593
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/894593.html