Posted by Dinah on May 5, 2009, at 21:52:08
In reply to Re: Apparently my T's plan is..., posted by TherapyGirl on May 5, 2009, at 19:51:35
> > But maybe she could be a bit more active in preparing a nest for you once she goes?
> YES. This is what it doesn't feel like she's doing.
>
> >Giving you the names of people who won't come close to filling her shoes. Reminding you of things you've done in the past that have made feeling alone a bit better. Supporting your efforts to bring a canine friend into your life.
>
> The stuff above she is doing but it just makes me crazy. It feels like an insincere, inaccurate cheer. But that's probably just me.Well, like I said, there is no right way. Anything she does can be perceived, in context, as being done for her, or not being caring enough. Because she can't do the one thing you really want her to do. Not leave.
Can you think of what would be helpful to you, given that? If you think of a future with only sporadic long term contact with this person, what will line your nest? Is there any conceivable way your therapist *can* help you with that? Is there any way you can let her help you, given the undeniable fact that she is leaving, and leaving you here?
There may be nothing at all she can do to make this ok for you. Or even substantially better. Because in the end, she's the one who is hurting you, however much she doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe, just maybe, you need to find someone else who can help you deal with this pain.
Or maybe you just need her to be there with you, when you cry at how much her not being there with you will hurt.
>
> > And apologizing a heck of a lot for hurting you, and telling you how much it hurts her to hurt you, and how much she'll miss having you in her life. And really really acknowledging the pain it causes to have someone you rely on, someone who encouraged you to rely on her, leave you.
>
> The closest she's gotten to apologizing is saying, "I'm sorry this is so hard for you." NOT an apology. It really isn't.
>
> Maybe I should fly you here so you can go to my sessions with me, Dinah. I have a feeling you could get the point across better than I've been able to.
>See, there's the problem. When it was my therapist doing the leaving, I couldn't get the point across. Because however much he understands how much he would hurt me if he left, once he's leaving he's going to cover that with self protective justifications. It's not his fault. He is doing everything he can. I'm being unreasonable and making his life difficult. Because he doesn't want to hurt me. And because he's only human, with the same frailties we all have. I'd like to think his training would overcome that. But to some extent my therapist, and your therapist, put aside a bit of their objectivity to really care about us. That's great while it lasts. We feel loved and nurtured. But there are times, and this is one of them, when it has a definite downside.
Your therapist doesn't want to hurt you. She does care about you. She doesn't want to be the cause of your pain. And she'll protect herself, in a way.
I don't know anything that can be done, really, except talk about it with as much openness as you can muster, and hope she responds in kind. I think it takes a delicate balancing act of holding onto the anger and blame you genuinely feel, while grasping just as tight to the love you feel for her and the love you know she feels for you, and battling for truth. Although the truth might not be completely appealing to either of you.
Or I suppose you could get angry enough at her, or find enough faults in her, to reject her first. Hard to do though. I've always told my therapist that when he said he was leaving me, he would have already left me. And in a way that was true. He said the words "I can no longer be your therapist". And at that point, things would never be the same again. Yet, while it was true he left me, it wasn't true that he was no longer my therapist.
I don't know. I really don't. It's hard. For both of you. Though of course, I'm completely sympathetic for how hard it is for you, while only intellectually sympathetic for how hard it is for her.
But d*mmit. I loved the idiot, even when he left me. He was still my therapist/mommy. I was furious and I still loved him. Would she be at all willing to talk about her feelings in this? I think one way we made it through is that my therapist was (relatively) honest about how hard it was for him. I don't know if therapists understand that when it comes to things like this, a bit of vulnerability on their side helps a whole lot.
poster:Dinah
thread:894390
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/894416.html