Posted by yellowbird01 on April 28, 2009, at 15:34:53
In reply to Re: feeling bad » yellowbird01, posted by raisinb on April 23, 2009, at 17:10:08
I'm sorry for not responding back on this thread until now. I did read all your responses right away, but was just so shaken for a few days, never responded. I really appreciate the responses though.
My therapist and I have a relationship that allows me to tell her anything. She is the only therapist I've seen where there really is no "line" that I wont cross with her. I saw her today but we didnt end up really talking about this. Ended up on another topic instead.
As seems to be the new "normal", we spend half or more of the session "arguing" - not actually arguing, but her trying to make a point or take the conversation to a specific issue that she feels is very relevant.. and me disagreeing. I explain why I disagree, she disagrees with me and tries to convince me. Round and round. A few weeks ago I watched myself agree with her on something ONLY in hopes we could drop the topic and move on. It didnt work and I ended up telling her I'd agreed only to get her to stop. Anyway, today I got so frustrated by the end of the session that in the last five minutes, the tears came. I wasnt upset, I was frustrated. She seemed to *get it* then, when the tears came, and said that I must feel like she's not listening to me. She said in her best caring voice that we'll get through this, we've gotten through things before, etc. I've seen her for therapy on and off for 8-9 years (recently began with her again about 6mos ago after a few years off).. and we have gotten through a lot of issues together. This one will be tough. She said "you need me to be very gentle, and move very slowly". No... I need her to trust my own judgment about what is and isnt relevant to me right now. I did say that.
I'm worried now. I feel pretty certain that while she might be getting what I'm asking for, shes still seeing it as 100% my issue and evidence of something that needs to be worked on, rather than a justified point of view. I very much doubt she's taking any ownership in it at all. I dont blame her 100%, but she certainly has a role. Everything I say and do gets turned around to be pathological in some way. I've told her that as well. For instance, I'm performing in a ballet in May and mentioned to her casually how it is weird that in one scene, a 14yo boy is my partner and has his hands on my hips, waist, etc. I'm 26yo (and petite and look young, which is how I got paired with a 14yo). It really was a casual statement... it's kind of weird and funny but thats it. He has been completely appropriate. She turned it into a therapeutic moment, questioning "is that really all is it? weird? why do you think it felt weird?" Oh give me a break! It was just a comment.
She told me that for homework I need to write her a letter about all the things she's missing and all the ways we're not on the same page. I'm supposed to bring it and read it to her next week. I'll write it, but I wont be reading it out loud. I'm not feeling very cooperative with her right now.. my wall is up very high after today. I worry because I feel like no matter what I write, my words wont be quite right and it'll be misunderstood... and I feel like I only have one chance at this because once it's said, it'll be in her head and I'll have to fight my butt off to change her mind on anything.
Even though I'm 99% certain of my feelings on this, it does make me doubt my reality. What if I'm so confused that I dont even know how wrong I am?
All this I've posted today and lately make it sound like she's not a good therapist. I think she is a good therapist.. and I know for sure that she cares about me. She has helped me a lot in the past. If this were a brand new T, I'd be gone, but I want to believe this can be fixed.
I think I'm going to take next week off and go back in 2 weeks. I need some space. I need a break.
Anyone who has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them. I'm lost.
poster:yellowbird01
thread:892215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/893314.html