Posted by yellowbird01 on April 22, 2009, at 19:39:47
I'm not sure where this post is going. I'm really struggling right now. I've noticed a pattern in the last month or so. I have therapy on Tuesdays, and for 2-3 days afterwards, I've been crashing hard. Some weeks I can understand it if we talked about a sensitive or hard topic, etc... but other weeks (like this week), nothing seems to trigger it. The session was good, not overly hard, etc, and my mind isnt wrapped up in what we talked about anymore. But I feel BAD. Worse than its been in a long time. Suicidal, urges to self injure...and a self-hatred I barely knew was possible. I'm not sure where the self-hatred is coming from. I've been seriously depressed/suicidal in the past, but its been a few years since I've felt like this. This depression is also more of an agitated depression than I experienced in the past. There is a small spot inside of me that is holding back a major breakdown or tantrum of some sort... yelling, crying, kicking, throwing things. I've never done that, and never would, but it's a new feeling for me in addition to regular old depression.
To be honest, part of me feels like I need to be in the hospital. Or in a day program anyway. I've done both before several years ago when I really needed it, but until the last month or so, I was VERY far away from that. This is impacting my ability to do my job or do anything at all really. My house is a mess, I'm ignoring my responsibilities at work and covering up how little I'm truly doing in the office... just bad. This isnt me. But I'm not sure that any sort of treatment that would require missing work for a few days/week is really feasible. Due to the nature of my job, I am NOT comfortable disclosing any of what is going on to my employer. The people I work with are great, but definitely not the warm fuzzy type. Admitting psych problems of the degree that they required any intensive treatment would automatically call into question my ability to do my job in the eyes of my supervisor etc.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this or what I'm looking for. I'm just so lost. This isnt me! I worked so, so hard to get past this, and three months ago, I was doing SO well. This isnt me.
poster:yellowbird01
thread:892215
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/892215.html