Posted by onceupon on April 7, 2009, at 14:01:58
In reply to I need some help and support......possible trigger, posted by rskontos on April 7, 2009, at 11:30:21
Hi rsk,
Here are some thoughts I had while reading your post: take them or discard them as you like.
Do *you* think you need to "do more with your brain?" And if so, and all of those scenarios involve school, I'm with ss on the observation that feeling fearful about this decision is totally normal. I've taught classes at the university level too, and I can say with certainty that returning adult students always impressed me with their motivation and passion. Not to put undue pressure on you - I just think that returning adults are in a very different space (obviously) from the typical 18-year-old freshman. I think you can use your experiences to your advantage.
I hear that you're tired of dissociating, and that's as good a reason as any to want to decrease it. I'm curious though, if you have ideas about what specifically worries you about dissociating in school. Is it that you'll miss out on what's going on in class? Is it that you'll be embarrassed if others notice (though it sounds like you're pretty good at hiding it)? Is it that you'll feel triggered because you're dissociating (rather than the other way around)?
I can see two equally valid courses of action with regard to school. You can go back to school, even with your fears of dissociating, and address any dissociating that might come up in therapy, perhaps with the thought that working toward what might feel like a stronger sense of purpose might help to alleviate some of the critical voices, and by extension, the dissociating. (Wow, that was a long sentence.) Or, you can try to reduce the dissociation before going back to school so that perhaps you feel more prepared to deal with school-related stressors.
Do you have a sense about why things are getting worse now? It sounds like you do have an awareness of when you're dissociating, but perhaps not why? What does your inner dialog say about telling your therapist that you're disappearing?
And as for "being significant" - who gets to decide that? I would argue that you're significant now, but that it sounds like you're wanting to be significant in a different way.
About the money - yes it will be costly - but I heard recently that, if school is a part of your "life plan," the current economy is actually a great time to go back.
Do you remember what it was like for the smallest part of you to go to school? In other words, when you were her age, what were your experiences? If it wasn't good, can you let her know that the adult parts of you (and other supports outside of you) can help her to have a different experience?
"I thought I could do this alone. But I can't."
Please don't do it alone. Alone is a lousy way to do most everything. We wouldn't want to miss out on the journey!
poster:onceupon
thread:889202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/889243.html