Posted by rskontos on April 7, 2009, at 11:30:21
well, i have held off starting this thread. I have needed help for a while and thought maybe I could work it out just in therapy but my mind is too messed up for that. Too many of my parts are working against me so I have talked it over and over with my t and his words mean alot but I need more to help get over my inner dialogue that is holding me back.
My t thinks and says it over and over again that I need to do more with my brain. He and I have discussed several different scenarios but all involve going to school. I have put up so many road blocks and yesterday I admitted I was scared. Frankly scared out of my mind. I am afraid too by putting myself in that school setting I will dissociate like I am still doing at work. (He says that once I realize I am just as smart or smarter than the others there I will be ok and not dissociate so much) I don't want to dissociate because I am so tired of it but can't stop it at all. We try to get to the bottom of it. I even got a book, Dissociative Identity Disorder to help me as I know I need more help since things are getting worse. I disappeared for part of my session. He wants me to tell him but I think that is part of him trying to help me be more aware. (at least this a suggestion in the book). I do believe he notices when I switch but we don't openly talk about it yet. He says it is because I need to trust him completely. And I am getting closer but not quite there.
Maybe if I list my fears about school you guys can help me overcome it. I need to hear it over and over again.
I know I can do the work if I put my heart in soul into it. There is another thing I really want to do but I am in fear of that. Ok so FEAR is my big thing. But I do want to be significant like the author of the book I am reading talks about. But I am fearful I wont be.Now for the reasons I think I can't go back to school.
1. Too old
2. will dissociate too much
3. money it will cost
4. being self conscious in a class with so many younger
5. being smart enough although T thinks I am very bright (still cant wrap my arms around that.
6. still having a hard time with my dx and the fact that the dx means trauma of a large magnitude happened. Regardless how much I remember, which is still small.
7. don't feel I deserve it.ok that about wraps it up. see I am already crying just writing out these things. The smallest part of me, the one that just crys is so afraid.
I guess my rough edges are showing inside my head because I still can keep this from my family.
I don't really feel like they support me to go to school/mom's life is over you know.
I am sorry this is so long. I have been reading lately but feel too tired to post. I posted the most I have in a while yesterday. I haven't started a thread in ages. I thought I could do this alone. But I can't. Too many voices in my head.
I am not going to proof this or I won't send it. So bare with my grammatical errors or ramblings.
rsk, the head case
poster:rskontos
thread:889202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/889202.html