Posted by TherapyGirl on February 13, 2009, at 19:43:07
In reply to Re: Anyone else think about it this way? *may trigger* » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2009, at 21:49:12
I appreciate the thought and support you put in this post, Dinah, and I agree with parts of it. I agree with all of it if we're talking about someone else -- I just don't think it applies to me.
As far as my friend being worried, I know she is. But like I told my T last night the dangerous time is when I lie about it. As long as I'm honest, I'm okay, at least temporarily.
And I hear what you're saying about reconsidering my decision to not continue therapy when my T retires. I still haven't changed my position on that because I don't think it's the therapy that actually helps me -- it's the relationship with and connection to her. That can't be replicated.
There are just a few people in this world who feel like family to me -- my T, my two best friends, my ex (still to some extent) and my ex's son. That's it. I can't transfer that to other people. That's one of the reasons I've been so devastated that my best friend isn't speaking to me, for all intents and purposes. It triggers so many things from my childhood on top of all the thyroid junk that's going on.
It's not that I don't believe that I'll ever feel better than this even. It's that that's not good enough. It's not enough to be non-suicidal. I want a different life than it looks like I'm ever going to have -- I want JOY and despite all the work, despite 24 years of therapy, despite a T who has stuck by me no matter what, I can't seem to find it for more than a few moments at a time. That's the part I find intolerable. And it's just not enough.
I really do appreciate your support, though. I'll keep thinking about it, but that's where I am right now.
poster:TherapyGirl
thread:879490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879976.html