Posted by workinprogress on December 30, 2008, at 1:15:37
In reply to Letting go of family and home, posted by Partlycloudy on December 29, 2008, at 11:08:49
PC-
No expectation/obligation that you respond to my post, we all have a lot going on in general and in particular during the holidays, some more than others. And, we all give what we can give, I appreciate those who were able to respond and empathize with me. Writing to you is a way to give back I suppose. I only meant to say that I related and empathize.
> I know I said I wasn't going to come back until after the new year, but a lot has been going on.
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> And I had that nice old take back of the pbc, such a great holiday present, no matter who delivered it :-)
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> Been seeing my T twice a week lately. Doing a lot of processing, of the PTSD stuff, of mom stuff, of family stuff. Much of it has been feeling like whacking my head against a wall, like - "OK, this time, I'm GETTING it. I get this message." Mother - NOT there for me. Family - NOT there for me. As my therapist has said to me, more than once, "the well is dry, and there is not enough water for you to bring to it to make it wet again." There is no nurturing to be had from my family, no acknowledgment of emotions or feelings, whether good or bad.**********
PC- My heart hurts for you. I think we whack our heads against the wall re this message instinctively. It just can't be real you know? But, unfortunately it often is... I know it still hasn't quite sunk in for me. This last trip might have helped considerably though. The challenge for me.. and I imagine I'm not alone in this... is to not think it's my fault.That said. I am so sorry. But, do you feel good to come to that conclusion? Maybe to stop trying to get something that doesn't exist is relieving... even if painful...?
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> Where is my way forward? Because staying where I've been, hoping that I'll get what I desire the most, is most certainly making me sicker and sicker. So, for me, the only answer can be to let go. There are no family for me, there really is no home for me to go back to, not unless I'm willing to take giant leaps backwards in my health and recovery. It's not enough that I be OK with what they have to give me, because they actually don't give at all; they just suck you dry, and fill themselves up with drinking, with pills, with talking without saying anything.
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> This is hard, but it feels like the right way forward. I think it is the only way up and out for me. My family can't help me heal. My mother is utterly incapable. I have to find these things elsewhere, within myself, perhaps in other people in my life, I don't know.
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I came to this very same conclusion on my trip. It ain't happening here. Much as I wish it were different, it isn't. And much as I wish I could go home with my T, that's not real either. So, how do I have that? How do I have that love and appreciation and acceptance? I decided the only way was to build it myself. To create that in my family. (I'm still single and very much want someone/a family). BUT- it sounds like you are on your way in that regard. There's still mourning to do for your family of origin, for what you wish you had and now are realizing you never will. But, like you said, letting go of that is a big part of the battle eh? It's hard. It's hard even for me even when it's so obvious. *never gonna happen!!!!*. But, oh... to fantasize. And hope.... even if only unconsciously. I think many of my tears over this trip were as much mourning as they were pain from the past. Still hard though... but maybe letting go is good for you. It sounds like you think so.
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> It has totally sucked to have been away from babble throughout this part of my journey, but I think that too was necessary. I have been absolutely rubbed raw and completely agitated. My sleep is still not solid yet - it turns out that I haven't been eating enough, either (having trouble chewing and swallowing). So Christmas was torture. But it's the other side. I held my head, and rocked back and forth, and the time passed.
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Good for you. You're out the other side! You survived! That is no small feat. Be kind to yourself. Take it easy. Ease back in. Do something nice and special for you. You deserve it! It's like coming back from battle I think. You're tired and bruised and need care. Kid gloves...
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> Things have to get better.**********
Yup... they sure do!Good luck PC. I'll be thinkin' of ya!
- WIP
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poster:workinprogress
thread:871283
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871377.html