Posted by obsidian on December 7, 2008, at 15:25:36
In reply to poster's remorse, posted by turtle on December 7, 2008, at 14:48:14
it's a tricky thing you know
we benefit so much from other viewpoints
I think there is a huge fear that others will see what we share as an attack.I mean sometimes people do attack, but I don't feel it happens too much around here. It's certainly not where I am coming from.
I remember what its like to have someone take what they know about you and use it as a weapon. My mother was like that. ..and when she was fighting she would walk back and forth, back and forth, thinking of something that would hurt and then she'd throw it at me or some other family member. It was like she was trying to utterly destroy the other person. She is not the type of person that can take any feedback, it generally just provokes an attack.
I learned to just remove myself from the interaction...it was just too painful, and then I'd feel provoked and then attack (verbally)..and on and on it went.It takes a risk to tell someone how you feel about something and share your viewpoint.
I don't tend to feel attacked here. I do often hold back on how I feel about things.I'd like people to share their viewpoints with me. I don't tend to see it as an attack here. It's all about the spirit in which it is shared. I like to be honest in a way that is respectful and with the intention to be helpful.
I also don't like to guess about what people are thinking/feeling, to wonder what they "really" think. Some of that comes from the desire to not be hypervigilant about when the next attack might come..when the "truth" comes spilling out like a weapon (this again relates to my experience with my mother). Sadly, she tries so hard to be "nice" and "giving", but rather than being the "ungrateful child" I always seem to turn into in her eyes, I'd rather have more honesty and less rage that she eventually sends my way.
My mother and I have never been close. It hasn't been possible. As an adult I have simply learned to listen, not to respond to the "hooks" she sends my way, not to disagree at all, not to react, but just to be there. Generally, there is no two way conversation.
For a while when I was a child I would be with her, connected to her and reacting to all her ups and downs and rages....and I remember making a decision to disconnect.
it was after she took all our pictures down from the wall (my sister's, my brother's, my own)because she was angry about something. I stopped trying then, it felt too hurtful.
poster:obsidian
thread:867274
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867281.html