Posted by muffled on December 7, 2008, at 0:00:54
I had spoken in a thread bout Dissociative disorders, and I proly just should have started a new thread. Sorry bout that.
I do not in ANY way mean to put anyone down or anything.
I just feel so strongly about this topic that is SO misunderstood.
I'll proly get stuff wrong, but I'll do my best.
Just for interests sake, I am not DID, but a lower place on the continuum known as DDNOS.
I have learned so much about DD's in the last few years. And I have learned many things, good and bad.
One thing, is that each dissociative will have their own experience of it, depending on many factors.
Also however, there are often many similarities.
Sadly, it is often much misunderstood by many, INCLUDING myself! It is a crazymaking confusing thing.
There are so many theories out there about it.
So many who blatantly do not beleive :-(
So many, who are open minded, but don't truly understand.
I think it takes a certain something to be a T and work with dissociative people, cuz each client is going to be different. And within those differences, are MORE differences! I think DD T's got to be very cerebral!
For me, one of the hallmarks of DD is the confusion, and the internal fighting. Not just me dissing myself, but me answering back! Or worse someone else answering and I am just listening to it all. Gaaacckkk! Lock me up I say!!!(kidding ;-} )
The constant dichotomy, the emotions utterly out of the blue. The sudden realization that people are looking at me funny, and realizing I have been acting a tad....strange. Even for me.
Then there's the screaming inside.
Or the times where belatedly I realize my behaviour was really off, and I just have to hope noone I know seen me :-(
There is a parent at our school who is an undercover cop in my city, and he been looking at me funny :-(...I fear he's seen me :-( :-( :-(
Or doing things I KNOW are stupid, but I do them anyways, and then wonder what happened.
And then I do it again....:-(
This could be true of ANYONE.
But oddly, I still have these....Others....
And they are SO friggin REAL. It is bizzarre. So I can understand how it is misunderstood.
I mostly never have amnesias. Some part of me always knows wassup in some fashion. So I am fortunate.
As far as my T goes, she doesn't talk to any part of me any differently in 'tone' as far as I know. Nor does she ever touch me or move near to me.
But what she will change I think, is the 'type' of question, or how she 'phrases' it. She also takes into account who she might be dealing with when there is an answer. Depending on who she is dealing with, the answer/comment can be taken in very different ways.
Also depending on who she dealing with, they may not be able to even really understand what she says. A good clue for her is when I look perplexed and say 'what do you mean?'or 'what????'....repeatedly. Sometimes I just seem to be unable to understand something, and its sort of awful, because I kinda know I SHOULD know, and T is looking at me expectantly, and she will rephrase, but its that I don't get even the 'concept' of the question, because I am in a state that has no knowledge of it. In a different state, I would have no problem answering the same question.
Kids know alot for sure, and I didn't talk to my IRL kids like they was kids. I kinda wished I could have :-( But I didn't know how. I knew nothing about kids :-( So I mostly said nothing at all :-( Literally.
I know as a parent I was perpetually astonished by the most basic concepts that kids do NOT know. I just would kinda think to myself, EVERYBODY knows this....then I'd think more, and realize to myself, HOW would my kids know this? I need to explain, thats what a Mom does. I still struggle with that. I wish I could start all over and be a parent again with what I know now. Mebbe I still wouldn't be great, but I would do better. I would talk more. I would explain more.
So when my T is dealing with a younger age state, it is not the same as dealing with an adult. Children are not little adults. Their minds work <quite> differently indeed at different developmental stages.
Kids have basic needs, so do adults. But kids needs and understanding of whats right and wrong can be very different. I think thats how many kids get hurt, they don't realize that what is happening is wrong. They don't have the power to stop it. They are not adults. They 'think' they are getting needs met(not consciously, but unconsciously) and go along with it. They just don't know. And why doesn't a kid 'tell'??? or remove themsdelves from danger? as an adult, I know it is OK to tell, I am able to escape a situation, but a child often cannot. They get told lies, and they beleive them, cuz they kids, they dunno any better, they are not adults.
Sometimes these kids get locked inside as the body grows older, but they do not grow older, they stay the same. They think the same. They are kids in all ways except the physical body. A very very tough concept to grasp, for me too.
My T is big into brain stuff, she has said as how information is stored differently in the diff lobes of the brain etc etc. I won't get into that now, but that ties into how people get split too.
I have no idea why I am the way I am, just that this is my reality (most of the time).
It is real to me.(sometimes)
And FWIW, I usu do not consciously try and 'switch' in T.
I try NOT to. I HATE it when she points it out, and now am doing MUCH better at not switching, or hiding it if I do. HA! (which mebbe is not the best thing.....)
I have told T that she is NOT to try and engage other parts, that I will do the speaking.
T keeps telling me I am NOT crazy, she tells me it is a coping mechanism.
But sometimes I feel so damn crazy :-(
I have but one body, one brain.
One me.
But I don't.
And I can't stop hurting this body, it just keeps happening.
And I am doing MUCH better with my kids, but I wanto do better, so much better. I don't want to be a 'good enuf' mom.
I want my kids to know they are loved and safe and Mom gonna be around, and ya, lifes NOT fair, but we got each other. I think I do that.
I want them to know how to be happy, and to care for others.
But they not in many activities, I still not good at talking to them. I still go 'out' and be an idiot. I not good at helping them w/schoolwork. My house is a crazy mess. We don't eat meals at the table. I swear too much. I not cuddly w/their Dad.
I a terrible ma, but I don't hurt my kids on purpose, I keep them safe as a Ma can, maybe too safe.
I send huge blessings out to all who struggle, in whatever way they struggle.
I have no excuses for my struggles.
I am an *ss for no reason.(the the adult form of being a rebel w/o a cause!!LOL!)
So I will not be the first to cast a stone.(as in 'let he who is w/o sin cast the first stone')
Rather, stone me first, cuz I got no reason.
Just I wanna stick around for my sweet babies.
Sorry, this is a ramble.
Its just so hard sometimes being dissociative, DID must be so much harder yet.
I just wish I could find the words so others can understand. Yet its not understandable......
Its CRAZY.
Sigh...
Sorry.
I go now
poster:muffled
thread:867169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867169.html