Posted by FindingMyDesire on November 12, 2008, at 15:46:50
In reply to How long have you been with T AND......., posted by Looney Tunes on November 11, 2008, at 23:36:37
Hi Looney,
Nice questions. I have been thinking a lot about these myself having just surfaced from my worst crisis I can remember. Now that I'm back, I'm back to thinking about the therapy process, and of course, my T.I have been seeing my T for a little over two years.
1) I feel like I have been able to bring up the past and sensitive things - to a point - for quite some time. However, I OFTEN feel as if I'm not sharing the whole picture. It's like I keep a part of me in my head only - pretending to tell her. Then of course in those moments I don't feel fully seen because how could I be? I haven't shared all of me?
2) This is directly what effects #1 for me. I have tons-o-embarrassment and loads-o-shame. For me it's mostly around gender and sexuality issues I'm grappling with. There are, of course, components that have to do with my childhood, and in particular my father. I think the shame comes from these times as well as just a general feeling I have that I'm disgusting and that I will truly find out that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. The embarrassing pieces are simply when I'm trying to talk about sex in detail (which is relevant to my therapy) and I am having to say things out loud to this gorgeous T who I am extremely attracted to. Thank goodness she is so good at holding extremely good boundaries at the same time that she is not afraid of me. But it's very hard, so to speak. So, to answer this question - the embarrassment and shame for me seems to still be unfolding and therefore seeming like it's growing... when I imagine it's really not - I'm just facing it with her.
3) Two weeks ago I had what I think I will always refer to as "our breakthrough" session. I really saw that she is not judging me and I really felt her care. I'm sure I will slip away from this, but it was a pivotal moment in our work.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:862458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862574.html