Posted by Trotter on November 11, 2008, at 14:10:36
I am a 50yo male suffering from long term depression. I have been having mindfulness-based talk therapy (45yo male therapist) for several years which has helped me manage the depression.
A few months ago I started seeing a psychodynamic therapist (40yo female). I was inspired by Thomas Lewis' book "A General Theory of Love" to explore the possible underlying cause of my depression, my avoidant attachment style, and the associated lack of close relationships in my life.
Yesterday I decided to stop the psychodynamic therapy because I did not feel it was providing anything my mindfulness therapist wasn't. To this point we had only talked about things going on in my life. Nothing really emotional had happened. Anyway, as the session approached it started to feel like I was about to break off with a girlfriend. Not because I viewed her this way, I am not attracted to her, but the feelings prior to the impending 'break-up' were the same. I am sure I would not have felt this way with a man.
Anyway we discussed this in session. She said I would benefit from developing a close attachment through years of therapy with her. I got the impression that the closer the attachment and dependency on her the more I would get out of it. The fact that she is a woman would help address the rejection I experienced from my mother when I was a baby, and the resultant coping/defence strategy I adopted (self-reliance). This would help me have more fulfilling relationships outside therapy. In theory, I can see the potential for this.
Part of me is resisting this. I sense that for this to really work for me I need to let go and leave myself open to fall in love with this woman, with full knowledge that it is just therapy and the relationship has no future outside therapy. However, in addition to the confronting issues of trust, love and loss of control, it just seems 'wrong' and 'unnatural' to do this.
I can see the potential, but it seems like a huge committment to take on trust, when I don't know if it will help me anyway. Another part of me says that this might be a real turning point for me if I am willing to take it. I agreed to another session, before which I really need to resolve which way I want to go. Quit or allow myself to fall in love (not lust!) with my therapist. I know this may seem a bizarre attitude, but I see any concept of middle ground as 'holding back' and would restrict the potential for real gains. The more I 'surrender' my control and encourage myself to love, perhaps even from a submissive perspective, the more I will get out of it. This is really scary territory for me.
Any thoughts on this?
Trotter
poster:Trotter
thread:862320
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862320.html