Posted by wishingstar on October 21, 2008, at 17:33:54
Does anyone ever find that therapy makes you doubt yourself in a negative way? Sometimes it makes me question my own sanity and my own grasp on reality and my feelings. This is in a way that doesn't feel helpful or productive... it just destroys any self confidence and self esteem I may have. I know therapy is all about confronting things, and sometimes those things dont feel good. I get that. But this feels different.
An example...
I've been seeing a pdoc (actually a nurse practitioner) for maybe 6mos. I've had many, many issues with logistics (phone calls, scheduling, etc... blatant mistakes on their end). I've also felt many many times with pdoc like she was criticizing me and saying I was avoiding questions when I was truly answering as honestly as I could. I guess I misunderstood the questions. I talked to her about this to no real avail. My T was encouraging me to switch pdocs and admitted other clients have had the same issue with her. I was debating it. I have a tendancy to stay in relationships even to the point that it's bad for me just because I hate walking away with things "unfixed". But last time I was at pdocs office, she left my chart out next to me and I saw "axis II traits" on it (ie, personality disorder traits). It's a long story but that was the last straw for me. I canceled my next appt (in an appropriate way) and decided not to go back. I told T what I'd decided last week, and about what had happened last time I saw pdoc. Up until last week, T was encouraging me to leave pdoc. Now, suddenly, T said she wanted to play devils advocate and basically argued for 30 min that I shouldnt have left her and need to go back and talk with pdoc about this yet again... even though I left pdoc a (appropriate, not mean) voicemail just last week asking for a call and she never returned it. T suggested that this was borderline behavior on my end. I've had the borderline dx in the past but T has said many times over the past 2 years that I'm no where near borderline now. I wasnt angry or irrational about pdoc when talking to T (or at any point really)... I'd calmly and rationally decided to move on. I dont have an attachment to pdoc really.
Before last week with T, I was feeling like I'd made a healthy, good decision for myself. Honestly, I thought T would be happy because I was making a decision to leave a bad relationship before it got worse. I felt like I did the "right" thing here and I really was proud of myself. Now I feel terrible. Am I being ridiculous? Borderline? Is it logical and appropriate for me to drop pdoc? Am I just going to be a mental patient forever, who cant even recognize their own major dysfunctions? I cant even trust my own judgment now.
I feel like I try so hard and still get slammed down. If someone would tell me what it is that I do/dont do that's making me borderline (so they say) I could fix it. But right now, all I know is that whatever I do is wrong, even if it seemed right, and I cant win. I'm bound to be disordered forever. Part of me feels like I might as well just give it up now because I'm screwed either way.
I see T again tomorrow. I will talk to her about it. I'm just so worn out......
poster:wishingstar
thread:858628
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/858628.html