Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2008, at 0:31:29
In reply to Re: So scared » Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on October 13, 2008, at 0:03:59
Oh no. I don't think he'd want me to hold his head, or be there, or clean up. And certainly he could do that this time. But there may well come a time when he can't, and I just can't.
I couldn't drive him to the doctor. If he had to go to the ER or to the doctor's and wasn't up to driving, I couldn't.
The first day I was able to check on him every once in a while, to make sure he was ok and see if he needed anything. Not *while* he was throwing up, but after. I was able to be in the house, in case it wasn't really a tummy bug, but a heart attack or something. I have heard a few times where someone threw up but it was really something more serious.
But this time I fled. I called him every once in a while, but I couldn't stay. If he needed help, I wouldn't have been there.
I scared my son. He doesn't particularly like it either, but he sure didn't understand why I had to leave. I explained it as making me really anxious, like he is with shots. But I make him take shots anyway. Even if the nurse takes forever with him, and keeps him there to make sure he doesn't pass out. Shouldn't I do the same?
I don't know. I guess it just doesn't feel very loving of me to run away when someone I love is sick.
And yes, I do feel uncomfortable around him now, and I'm afraid that not only will I have to overcome contamination fears, but I'll be afraid he isn't safe now. This is different from any other time he's been sick, on any number of levels.
I feel like I'm letting them both down. Not only for this time, but for all the times in the future, when it may be more serious.
I'm afraid my son will be afraid of being sick around me.
I hate that I can't control myself better.
I've gotten so much better over the years. It seems like this level of anxiety should be tolerable. I don't have a panic attack anymore. I have learned to be socially acceptable, well at least minimally, on the outside no matter what's going on on the inside. But then it breaks down and I can't even blame it on waves of anxiety. It's not like that anymore. So it's harder to understand than if I had heart palpitations and sweat and faintness. It feels like I should be able to tolerate it. I don't understand what changes so that I have to get out. I don't understand the necessity so it feels like I'm being bad.
poster:Dinah
thread:857131
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857153.html