Posted by toetapper on October 10, 2008, at 23:13:13
I saw my pDoc first for meds and then for therapy for about two years while I was trying to deal with CSA. He videotaped me without my consent, had a substance abuse problem, had previously been sanctioned by the Medical Board, and crossed every single (sexual) boundary (short of actual consummation) there is. I'm talking calling me at 11pm for phone sex, that kind of thing. Then he dumped me. In one session. I walked the razor's edge for a year, nearly suicided more times than I want to admit, by the grace of God I held it together.
I filed a complaint against him, and held two appointments with the administrator at his clinic, to NO avail. He was the almighty pDoc, I was the crazy one. I walked away. The anger, and the hatred, were too much to carry.
I fully understand Lemonaide's motivation, and need, to resolve her situation in a way that is healing. I am here to say, in my case, it further traumatized me.
Honestly, I don't understand the rules of propriety here. I come here to read because it makes me feel less of a freak, but I often get my hands slapped when I try to contribute. I guess I cross too many of those invisible lines. Which I am about to do again.
I found, in my own work, that there is something SO POWERFUL, for victims of CSA, about that "relationship" with a T that you can NEVER TELL. That is FORBIDDEN. That is NOT ALLOWED. It carries so many of the same hallmarks as the abuse itself, it makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. And that is what finally allowed me to heal. To FINALLY see the pattern of abuse. I guess, in a way, he "cured" me afterall.
There are several here who have managed to move past the abuse and heal in a positive,healthy way, and that is why I keep coming back, because I need to be constantly reminded, and reassured, that I am NOT the one who is crazy. And it is NOT my fault. And there is hope. If one is willing, if one is ABLE, to do the work. And boy oh boy is it work.
To those of you who are unflinchingly, and unfailingly honest, all I can say is you saved my life, and my sanity.
I haven't seen a T since him, and never will again, but I thank God every single day there are those of you who are blessed with a caring, competent T, and who are willing to share what you have learned through (and with) them.
Lemonaide, and everyone else going through the same thing, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just can't see it through the fog of pain. But it's there.
poster:toetapper
thread:856861
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856861.html