Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 21:15:30
In reply to attachment, posted by turtle on September 28, 2008, at 13:48:50
> What does it really mean to be attached to your therapist, or anyone else for that matter? I know a few intellectual facts about attachment and that there are different styles of attachment. But I don't really understand it on a deep or personal level.
>
> I feel a desire to be close to my therapist and to be open to her. Is that attachment? How do you know you are attached? How do you reattach if you are already attached to begin with? What does it really mean to your therapy process?
>
> It feels a little strange to pick out a therapist, who really starts out as a paid stranger, and within those bounds explore the mysteries of attachment and intimacy. On a deep level I know I want to do this process and need to work on my attachment issues for healing, but intellectually it seems like I'm just setting myself up for a very painful experience.Turtle, this is such a rich topic to explore! I know I have spent the past several years trying to figure out what it all means. It does seem strange to start out such a deep and complex process as perfect strangers. But most relationships do, don't they? And like others, therapeutic attachment takes time to develop between both people. But what makes them different is that unlike the uncertainty of RL relationships, the therapeutic one starts with the assumption that the T wishes to build a certain kind of relationship with you - open, committed, safe - that focuses entirely on you. That's their professional starting position. But then, where the two of you take the relationship from there is entirely a function of you two as human beings. As the relationship grows and you get to know each other, attachment grows because of the work you do together, which is deeply meaningful to both of you. That fosters attachment. They are interested, caring, and focused on your welfare; you try to be increasingly more open and vulnerable and allow yourself to rely on her. You're both exhibiting behaviors that promote attachment and mutual caring. This is also why it is so much like a good parent-child attachment bond - one many of us have not experienced when we were young. But I really believe that we are all hard-wired as humans to seek such attachments. In therapy we have a chance to just let it happen.
I think attachment is pretty much akin to closeness, and that means different things to different people. To me, it has a lot to do with trust - allowing someone to come in close to me. My T said that to him, it means being engaged with another person. You can do both in therapy.
Having said all that, no matter how good any relationship is, there will be times of discord. Ruptures, small or large (slight misattunement to blow-up), in relationships happen constantly. Small, almost imperceptible, example: you are talking and notice your T isn't quite getting you. You try harder and your T takes more of a mistep, maybe misunderstands what you're saying. You're starting to get annoyed. Your T sees this, makes a mental readjustment to get back on track, and uses words to make you feel understood and back on track and in accord. That type of rupture and repair happens all the time. Fights, apology, making up, reconnecting, all part of the same process. In bad relationships, ruptures may occur but without repair; probably happened a lot when we were children. What the T tries to model in therapy is how ruptures get repaired within relationships AND that you can remain attached despite the inevitable ruptures.
Sorry, didn't mean to write a book! Just some thoughts... obviously an important topic for me too and one I have wrestled with.
Lucie
> Thanks,
> Turtle
>
poster:lucie lu
thread:854628
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854697.html