Posted by Partlycloudy on September 15, 2008, at 15:11:51
In my acupuncture treatment this morning I was lying there and started doing some free association. (I never know where my mind is going to wander or what my body is going to feel like, so I try to just go with the flow there). And what I started to come up with was a couple of visuals. One was that I'm currently feeling so uncomfortable with the world at large - that is, with going out of my house, getting out and interacting with people, with even walking along our pretty beaches or taking in our little neighborhood. My husband can't even get me to walk around the condo parking lot (he keeps trying, too). Instead, I'm holed up in my house. Reading a lot. I had to stop playing solitaire on my Palm Pilot because I was making my should sore - how's that for obsessive behavior? But the visual I had was that I was like one of those horses you see in Central Park pulling the carriages around, with the blinders on. I've got virtual blinders on - I don't want to, or I can't bring myself to, take in the world around at the moment. It's too overwhelming. I feel too broken. I'm not even tired, I'm not scared, I'm just not ABLE to use my peripheral vision or something. It's a very closed-in feeling, like it's making me feel more secure somehow. (But I'm not very happy, either.) I keep saying that I feel "stuck". Very stuck.
The other visual that came to me was from "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" - the original animated TV version with Boris Karloff's voice. I just remember the part where he wasn't able to enjoy the holiday because his heart was too shrunken up and shriveled. And that's what my heart feels like inside me. And these two things are tied together. My world is being kept very small (by me) because I can't bring myself to open up to it right now; and my heart is feeling withered and small.
I couldn't write any more of the gripe lists. It felt too much like trying to hit a baseball with a toothpick. Not the right tool for the job somehow. I'll go back to the drawing board with my T on that one.
pc
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:852129
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852129.html