Posted by wishingstar on August 11, 2008, at 18:47:38
Is it possible to be *too* honest in therapy/treatment in general?
Sounds like a crazy question doesnt it? The obvious answer is of course not. You should be 100% honest with your therapist/pdoc because how else can they help you?
WRONG. Wrong answer, apparently.
I just cant win!
Today I told my T all about my experience with pdoc-gone-bad last week when she told me I'm being evasive, not trying, etc. I posted above about it if anyones interested. T was very understanding and good about it. T suggested that perhaps because I've been honest with them and told them that sometimes I feel myself dancing around difficult topics, I've created a situation in which pdoc is more likely to doubt me and think I'm evading, whether I am or not. T said that almost all people do avoid somewhat sometimes, but by my being so open and honest and admitting that, it cast a shadow of doubt over some of what I said. T said that she has known me long enough she generally doesnt feel that way, but thinks pdoc may. I really do get the point and she's probably right, but I feel like I just cant win! They say to be as open and honest as you can. I tell T/pdoc my "tricks"/defense mechanisms because them knowing makes it more difficult to avoid and to continue old patterns (so I'd hoped anyway). In reality, it just makes them trust me less? I think I'm smart enough that I can pick and choose what I dont admit to/tell them to lessen any of those effects, but I shouldnt have to. I dont want to have to walk on eggshells with professionals I'm paying. I sometimes wish I could just have 0 insight and sit there confused all day in therapy. Just because my intellectual self is able to function fairly well, separate from my emotional self, doesnt mean I'm doing great.
Nothing I do is right. Part of me just wants to drop out of all treatment because obviously I'm doing it wrong anyway. I told T I feel like I'm doing it wrong and she sort of laughed. I'm serious!! I say something not-so-serious and she latches on. I say something very real and she ignores it in favor of other less-important side comment I made earlier. I know it's my responsibility to force topics. I know. But saying them is hard enough... why cant anyone meet me half way? Forcing topics just doesnt feel doable for me right now.
I left T today and was saying to myself, "see? I'm such a good girl. I play by the rules and talk about the easy things, just like you want. I'm a good girl in therapy, just like I've always been everywhere else." Yeah, talking about what happened with pdoc was important, but what about everything else?
I've been going to therapy on Mondays at 3pm for awhile now. She only sees clients Mon and Thurs. Tell me why today, at end when scheduling, she said she's all booked on Mon unless I want to come at 8am (she doesnt usually do 8ams, and I live 45min from her office)... and only had 10 or 11am open on Thursday. How did I get pushed out? In the past, before I had a set time, shes said "oh, 12 isnt good because I have someone who usually comes then" and that was fine. Why didnt she remember I come at 3? It's not really an verbalized official thing, but still.. I always come then, and until today shes always just said "same time?" when scheduling. Two weeks ago I missed an appt too because I was gone on Monday (my regular) and she couldnt fit me in on Thurs that week. I feel like, what do I have to do to make you notice that I'm not okay and be one of the important clients? In the last few months I've lost significant weight and GP recently diagnosed an eating disorder. That isnt concerning to her? I'm not having eating issues just to be concerning to her of course... but doesnt she see that it might mean something is wrong? Today I actually left and was thinking of making up a lie (like about self-injuring or something) to make her see that I'm serious and need help. I wont do that, but just the fact that I thought about it is crazy. They always say to use words rather than behaviors, but words get ignored and behaviors dont.
I feel like I should just give it up. Obviously I'm doing something wrong and right now, therapy is only making me feel 50x worse, not better. If I needed to feel unheard, I'd call my parents, and that wouldnt cost me anything! I just cant win.
I'm just ranting. Sorry.
poster:wishingstar
thread:845585
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/845585.html