Posted by girl33 on June 29, 2008, at 10:27:38
I´m new here and I need an advice.
I was seeing a therapist and she was great. She´s a friend of my mom´s. On the first month of therapy(I don´t remember why or in wich ocasion) she mentioned something about me being a lesbian, but I was so shocked she said that that I didn´t react to it. I said nothing and changed the subject, and never told her about me being bi. I only told her about my ex boyfriends.
Ok. Anyway. Time passes by and she was always making me compliments about my clothes and my hair and saying I´m pretty and so on. It made me very shy but..at the same time, flattered, and.. well, I started to have feelings for her. She´s older (maybe 10 years older) than me, but she looks very young and she´s very pretty!. But at the same time I knew that was wrong (to have feelings for her, and at the same time I also felt kind of unconfortable when I went to the sessions, because I noticed I started to select the things I was going to say- for example, I wouldn´t want to tell her about I guy who called me during the week, things like that; because I had the fantasy that she was interested in me and I wanted to keep that).
Well, after 3 months of therapy I decided I couldn´t deal with it anymore. I thought to myself that it was wrong, and the therapy didn´t make sense anymore (because I didn´t feel confortable anymore to tell her everything). So I asked my mom to tell her that (since I knew they were going to meet), because I didn´t have the courage. And so she did, and when my mom came back home she said that the therapist told her it would be nice that if I could at least call her.
So I called her and she said "Oh I´m so glad you called!!", and asked if she could call me back later since she had a client at the time. So she called me later and she has this emotional tone of voice (like she was almost crying?). And I gave her an excuse not to go anymore and she said that I was very special, and so on.. and suddenly she said "I love you very much"- and kept saying other things, but all I could hear was "I love you very much" (and my brain blocked!!).
"I-love-you-very-much"?????????????
I was speechless, but she made it seem that she didn´t say nothing much (she said it quickly and continued saying other things, she didn´t make a fuss out of it you know what I mean; it was as if she said "I like strawbeeries"- and bla, bla, bla, bla....).
Oh I´m so sorry if I´m not managing to express mysel correctly, but I´m not from USA, my first language is not english.
Anyway.
So that day on the phone I didn´t make any comments on the phrase she said, I did like she did: I acted like she didn´t say nothing much. But I said I prefered to go see her one more time so I could explain to her why I wanted to quit.
So I went, and still I pretended she didn´t say what she said (one "small" detail: she´s married, with a man, and has kids- so there was still a part of me thinking that maybe she only said that like a friend would, and not on the romantic way).
And I told her I had to tell her something. I´m very shy, so I wrote down in a peace of paper "I´m in love with you". She read it and I continued saying that I thought I couldnt be 100% me in the sessions since I had tha feeling (AND since I THOUGHT she had the same feelings too- but I didn´t say that, I didn´t want to put her in a difficult situation). She respected my opinion, but said that if I changed my mind I could go back there anytime (she did say it was "a very normal thing to happen", but she didn´t make much efford tryng to convince me it wasn´t a reason to stop therapy).
I didn´t have the courage to ask her if she was serious about loving me, or if it was just a friendly sentence, or a caring one, or whatever.
So after one week I decided to call her and ask if she wanted to meet me outise the office for a conversation. And she said my mom knew she was married and that she was not gay and said no (and she had this kind of angry tone of voice-??- as if I was disturbing her too much). But it seemed there was someone beside her at the time I called, and she seemed weird... I don´t know.
Anyway, you guys can guess HOW messed up my head it!!! I lost a very good therapist and at the same time I think mayb I´m CRAZY??? Am I seeing too much??? OHHHHH GOSH, so many feelings!!! I also feel guilt!! So many complicated feelings!!!
Please tell me if I just phantasysed about her having feelings for me!! What do you think?? Please be honest!! I can handle!
(ooohhh I´m SO messed up!!!!!!!!!!!!GOSH it feels terrible!!! And what about the shame???)
poster:girl33
thread:837130
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080616/msgs/837130.html