Posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 10:01:39
I posted above about my new "detachment" behavior with my T, which I felt was justified because she'd hurt me so badly in the past. We had a few sessions where she kept trying and trying to get me to let her in, then she got frustrated and yelled at me a week ago.
Oddly enough, this opened me up. I realized that she wouldn't have been crying (just a little) and yelling if she didn't really care.
We had a great session after that, but then, yesterday, we just went back to fighting. I went in trying to work on the relationship. I explained that when I opened up, and was vulnerable, and she started analyzing me, it made me feel horrible because what I needed in those moments was acceptance and empathy, not something that felt like rejection.
She said she could do that, but then she jumped right into criticizing me for setting "conditions" on opening up; she told me that I needed to start working on "your problems," that when she was nice I "pick away at it," that all I do is talk about what she's doing wrong. (It seemed to me that the reverse was true in that moment.)
I felt attacked, so I shut down and we spent the rest of the session in relative silence. I am really frustrated and upset. I don't know what else to do. We have been going around and around like this for over two years. She claims she wants a connection with me and she won't give up. However, it seems like she just can't accept me for who I am and how I feel and what I need. It feels like she wants me to take the blame and say I'm the problem, and I simply don't think that's the case, at least not totally. It feels like she's angry at me and wants me in there just to take punishment, and I'm just not on board with that.
I can go in and tell her all this next week--I've told her all this repeatedly--but I don't have much faith that it will change things in the long term. I don't know why I can't just leave. It seems like I can only "leave" with her there--i.e., work on detaching in the moment.
I keep trying to figure out what to do and what I need to learn from this repetitive cycle of opening up, getting hurt, trying to prevent it, getting criticized for it and getting hurt more. I quit once but it didn't work--I was still obsessed with this, angry at her, and full of feelings I couldn't take anywhere. I tried three other therapists and felt no connection with any of them. I am just so tired of this.
poster:raisinb
thread:810058
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080126/msgs/810058.html