Posted by DAisym on January 16, 2008, at 20:15:33
I don't want to have to choose! I've been feeling so flat and disconnected in therapy. My feelings got hurt before the Holidays and it has been a long hard struggle to find a way to trust and connect again. We've both been working at it. Monday I told my therapist it would be better if he'd just get mad at me for not talking so he goes, "OK - TALK TO ME!" I looked puzzled and said, "what?" And he goes, "I'm frustrated so TALK TO ME!" I started to laugh and said, "that's it? That is you angry?" He had the grace to laugh too.He pointed out that I was "building a case" against him - convincing myself that he didn't want to work with me anymore. He is right, I've been collecting certain word choices, or things he has forgotten or even not being able to reschedule as things done "on purpose." I even imagined him with this intense new client that really needs his time and energy and attachment to open up their stuff and I was someone who had enough experience by now to not need him so much and we've talked about so much of my stuff...when I told him, he said, "where do you get this stuff?!" And on and on.
So finally yesterday I melted a little. I miss that closeness and the feeling of being safe. It is harder and harder to be alone with all the memories. The discussion about being special was up again - it is a hard topic and so loaded for me. And then boom! After my session - anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. I hate this!
Today was a session full of tears and anger - at him for allowing the memories back in the room, at myself for not being able to get past it and at my dad, for daring to act like nothing ever happened and yet I have to deal with it. My therapist said he wants to hear it all and he promises it won't be like this forever. But it was so hard to leave and I'm all twisted up tonight - scared about what I told him and how angry I feel. My younger parts are just convinced that they are in trouble.
I can barely tolerate to sit here and write but I don't know what else to do with myself. I hate being flat but I hate all this anxiety too. I want to go hide in the therapy office, he doesn't even have to be there - I just need to keep the world out and myself locked in.
But then I'd be alone - and that stinks too. *sigh*
poster:DAisym
thread:807071
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807071.html