Posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 10:15:41
Had my T appointment yesterday. It's the after effects of therapy sessions that make wonder why I continue to go and if I should. I believe after over a year in therapy that I really got the heat of my issues and have addressed it alot. In the past three weeks or so, I am no longer regressing in mind, I've developed a few visualisations that have been very helpful and feel I am coping better. Even more recently, I have had a sense of a more positive and upbeat sense of myself trying to break through. I haven't felt that part of myself in a long time.
Then I go to therapy and the issues get opened up again, perhaps a different angle, etc. Then for the next day or two or three it seems I lose the positivity gained and lose the direction to a more upbeat mindset.
It's like why don't I let enough alone. I wonder to myself if I discontinue maybe those positive and upbeat aspects will have a better chance to grow instead of being pushed away again by opening up the 'problems'.
My T said yesterday that I have worked very hard. I have difficulty understanding what the 'work' is of therapy but certainly after some sessions, and just generally, you feel an exhaustion. One gets tired when they work a lot. That seems to make sense. But as I told her, work to me means having results. And while I think no longer regressing and feeling so broken in mind are results, I have yet to see that translate to other areas of my life - i.e. any increased enjoyment of life, fixing up of my home and surroundings and returning to a more attractive and energized self. She said well, you are not buying carpets or things for your home though you are beautifying the inside. Blegh. When I feel this hangover of therapy, it doesn't seem all that beautiful.
I don't know, maybe the fact I am still experiencing 'downs' after therapy indicates there is still more to heal, that it is not all 'well' yet. I have made big strides recently. I am able to go to my pain and sadness and be 'there' now without falling apart. I don't feel so alone and lost as I once did, and my T said that is because "I" am there now. The child part has someone there. That is big. I am feeling my concentration return, some sense of organization. But it seems my sense of stability between sessions gets blown apart right after a session.
With the holidays, I won't see my T again until Jan 7. I have some processing to do. It p's me off though to think that I will get over this hangover and start to feel positive and then - bang - again open myself to a down. More work, more work. Uggh. I really look forward to the day that, after a session, I will actually feel better right away instead of down and unsure before feeling better. Hmmm. You know, I think when that happens, I will know that I don't need therapy as much anymore. That just occurred to me as I wrote this. Maybe there is some sense to that.
I know I will be processing this over the next two weeks. We will see then where I am at, what more has been done and what the next session brings. Just feeling kind of worn today. And I am very tired of feeling worn.
I know it will pass and, if recent developments are any indication, it will pass to a more positive and stronger frame of mind for a change. I just felt like letting it out and it's great to have a site like this where I can.
So, therapy - yay! and therapy not so yay, sometimes. lol.
poster:lovelorn
thread:801738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/801738.html