Posted by DAisym on December 1, 2007, at 16:15:06
In reply to Yet another T attraction thread (after termination, posted by beautymarked on December 1, 2007, at 11:57:49
Hi Beauty,
Your post wasn't too long. You should see some of mine.
I'm struck by a couple of things. You wrote:
"I think this is what is causing so many of our posters’ attraction issues…the boundaries being unsure, or maybe it’s actually his therapy orientation (psychodynamic??). He is a predoctoral intern, which may contribute to the boundaries being unsure."I think it is normal and natural to become attracted to a person who focuses on you intensely, who listens and who is there for you and cares about you. If this listening and caring comes in an attractive package, it is even more likely that these feelings will get stirred up. I read once that therapy is a set up for falling in love and getting your heart professionally broken. (I think this was from "In Session") I don't think strict boundaries preclude this. I think the boundaries help make it safer to talk about your feelings. Being new, your therapist might have not really known how to bring up all the feelings in the room, although it did seem like he tried - by telling you that his own feelings were activated. And this isn't a bad thing, or a boundary violation, in my opinion. My therapist tells me often how sad he feels for me, or frustrated, or whatever. I don't know if he had other things that made you feel like the boundaries were unsure, but I think you hit closer when you said it was likely his orientation (psychodynamic) that steered him to open the door for these feelings. I'm sorry you never talked about them. It is scary but usually productive. And I doubt there was anything he wanted you to be -- except honest with yourself and him. Therapy is hard in that you have to shake off the need to put your best foot forward in order to get the help you need. I struggle with this too.
You also said:
"Did he really mean that he liked me? Or is it some sort of therapeutic technique? Unconditional positive regard? And isn’t it bad technique to say and fulfill my need to be liked rather than helping me like myself? Did he show doubt about the real me because he could tell I was hiding my true feelings of attraction in response to his questions? Or did he feel countertransference feelings of attraction or being fatherlike that made him doubt my responses?"I think "unconditional positive regard" is the gold standard many therapist shoot for but it is hard to maintain all the time. And that is good because it does allow the ruptures and repairs in the relationship where so much work gets done. But I believe most therapists do like their clients and I think it is OK for them to use themselves and their feelings to help the client. So things aren't mutually exclusive. If he always said "yes I like you" without ever asking why you needed to know or why you couldn't believe him (if this was an ongoing theme) then I'd say he missed something. But particularly in the last session, I think he wanted you to know what was true for him. It might have gone very differently if it was during another time in your therapy or if you were asking instead of him telling you.
And just from reading what you wrote, I'd say he had your number. You admitted hiding your feelings, he sort of called you on it. It doesn't seem like counter-transference, it seems like an accurate read of what was going on in the room. Words certainly aren't the only way we communicate things.
It is too bad you can't go back in and sort this out. Perhaps the way to move forward is to hang on to the positive work you did which allowed you to terminate and to learn the lesson of asking your questions when you can and pushing yourself a bit more about revealing your feelings. Therapy that has to be time limited seems like it would be very hard. I hope you find some peace soon.
poster:DAisym
thread:798087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071120/msgs/798138.html