Posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:39:20
In reply to ((((((DORY)))))))), posted by B2chica on October 15, 2007, at 12:49:36
... so many of you are so supportive. i'm grateful for that. It's bittersweet.. wonderful that strangers scattered in the wind could be bothered to care, and sad that i can't foster that IRL. It's because we are different here... we hide still but not so much i think. No one knows us so we say more. We cannot be this way IRL... the rules we live by are different. We can be more open maybe, but not like here. B2 could not share here little B2 IRL. i cannot openly display how i feel IRL.. no one can really.
i won't say i am doing "better," but i will say i am "managing" better. i am not wishing myself into death. i just feel heavy. Weighted down. empty.
i wish this would stop now. It's not a "regular" depression. i mean, yes, i do have a lot going on situationally.... but this is so predictable. One week "normal" and ok, two weeks empty depression, one week variable (irritable, agressive, sobbing, etc). The depressive weeks can be horrendous, like this one. It has taken me months of wrangling with docs to get them to agree that i have something hormonal going on. That is pushing me over the edge.. the BP, situation, life.. it's enough thank you.. this biological depression is too much.
it does kill me to know it will be back. This monthly one, or the BP depression. It always comes back. i can live with not being happy *all* the time... but does it have to be paired with utter misery?
this is my journal really... i haven't been writing to my T like i had been. That was how i was journalling before. Now i write papers for school, i write here.
on that subject... T is back. i see him tomorrow. i am going to go, but i feel very closed and distant. It feels like a social call to someone you vaguely know. More like a doctor's appt. My life circumstances are changing rapidly right now too.. and i may not being seeing my T much longer. If i choose one path i will continue, but if i choose the other then T becomes pointless. On that path it would be better i not know myself better.. it would be better to remain blind. i wish these really were choices... but that is really stretching the definition of choice.
poster:Dory
thread:789276
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789391.html