Posted by Dory on September 28, 2007, at 15:28:25
In reply to Why am I afraid of rejection by a troll?, posted by Racer on September 28, 2007, at 12:56:00
maybe it would be helpful to go at it from a different tack (tact?)... this is going to be hard to say in writing and not in person.. i am afraid it will come out sounding like something i don't mean (a gift i have).
first, instead of what is wrong with you, what is right about what you did? You were honest and gave her good advice based on your honest feelings. i see nothing wrong with that at all, but the price you have to pay is potential rejection, anger, revenge, etc etc etc... trust me on this one, i suffer this one all the time because blunt honesty isn't usually welcomed, helpful or no.
some guilt comes i think because maybe you were blunt honest out of anger or frustration than out of kindness? Not saying you were unkind in your actions.. but what were your feelings when you decided to do this? i think blunt honesty is often a good thing, and i think she needed to hear it from somewhere... but it tastes like crap on the receiving end. We all know this.. "yes, your *ss looks fat in those pants."
i wouldn't feel guilty (do as i say not as i do) about what you said, but i would examine your feelings around the time you said it, not just your feelings now. Just a thought on a possible direction. Speaking from anger will leave a resonance with us until we figure it out.
i agree with your therapist to a degree, empathy, for someone else's pain, even if she is doing it to herself. Even if she is making sh*t up.. then she is doing that for some other pain. Empathy maybe as well for that bitter pill i mentioned.
She is the daughter of a friend who died... you might not actually *be* responsible for her in any way, but your bond with your friend probably keeps you feeling that way... it becomes more about your friend than about her daughter. Guilt is a wonderous thing.. guilt helped keep you listening to this woman i would imagine.
And yes, i completely agree with you too. Guilt and fear of rejection. The part of our brain which feels the most primal and basic emotion does not understand the nuances of personal interaction... rejection is rejection. It takes a lot to override that. Sh*t.. i felt rejected by the grumpy old geezer who barked at me for accidentally taking his spot in the hot dog cart line yesterday!! You want f*ck-upedness?
If you examine just why you kept being "helpful" or, maybe putting off being helpful depending on your point of view, and your feelings when you decided to change your actions... i think you'll figure a lot of things out.
again.. i hope this didn't come out all back assward...
poster:Dory
thread:785738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785759.html