Posted by Dory on August 28, 2007, at 14:15:33
alone in the world. dead. Numb. Everything is surreal and not tangible. i am an object, a corpse, an alien moving about among creatures i do not know.
T tried to "shift our process just a little"
i called. he didn't. said he doesn't want me to become reliant on "testing" our relationship. said he wants me to look for concrete evidence if i am afraid he is mad. he said he was trying act in my "best interests"
he told me before that he would never do anything to deliberately produce anxiety without it being a joint decision.
he didn't tell me.
he didn't give me ways to help myself before he did this.
it's not that he didn't call, it's his reasons, his choices.
i need to need him. i need to test that he really means what he says. i need to touch that solid lifeline, repeatedly for now.
i am lost. i am sad. i am worthless and i am rejected. i did something wrong. it's wrong to call. it's wrong to not know if he means it. it's stupid to feel everyone will reject me. He is tired of me.. tired of me calling... again. i am not doing this right.
words and lies. thoughts. about thoughts. feelings are bad. thoughts got me nowhere.
creeping sadness. alone. all my reference points are gone. can't count on what he will do. can't know if he will change the rules without me knowing. can't know he will be there. he is leaving me. rejecting me. nothing is solid. Don't ever believe in anything.
all that is real is pain. pain is real. pain makes it real. i can count on the pain.i can turn to pain to let me know what is real. pain will always be there. pain never changes the rules.
****
i went downtown to meet with a friend; we figured we’d fries or a sausage or something and just hang out in the park for a while. She told me she’d seen an injured pigeon and when we sat down on the grass i could see it walking about trying to straighten one of it’s wings. It sat still for a very long time and then tried to fly. You could tell that it was working very, very hard to gain height and stay there or make it to a tree... we thought it would be ok because being able to make it even a little way up would save it from being a target for a cat or some unpleasant teenager. It made it up maybe 20 feet and then suddenly plummeted to the ground like a stone. Dazed and in obvious agony it flapped and floundered around trying to stand up. i couldn’t take it anymore so i dumped all the stuff out of my bag, lined it with a plastic one and then gently picked up the bird and placed it down in the bag. i wrapped it so that it was held tight enough to prevent it from hurting itself more, kept it’s head covered to keep it calm and made sure it could get enough air. It had several seizures while i held it, calming for a while between each one, then it became very still and i knew it had died.
poster:Dory
thread:779336
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/779336.html