Posted by scratchpad on June 28, 2007, at 7:34:20
I shlump into the room, moan about everything. She gets me to laugh about stuff and identify the "marvelous" coping skills I have learned since this time last year. She tells me to hang in there, and I leave, semi-buoyed up by having my confidence boosted.
Then the magic wears off after about 2 hours and I'm deeply depressed again. Lately I have taken to walking around the house with a pillow so I can lie down wherever I am and get a nap. My favourite place is the bed, but if I'm in the living room, and upstairs is just too far away, then I lie on the floor with my pillow and snooze for a half hour or so. I don't like feeling confined, or hot. I sprawl rather than curl. Meditation is beyond my powers of concentration right now. My thoughts just bounce around from pillar to post, not getting anywhere but not pausing for a second. It's exhausting.
No, I am not exercising. I am not cooking. I am not snacking. I am not writing (except for here, and I do so fearfully). My eyebrows, my poor eyebrows, get plucked when I happen to look in a mirror. Right now there is a lush growth above my eyes that's heading right for uni-brow status.
Actually, I've never been so depressed in my life. I put one foot in front of the other only if necessary. I can go out and fulfill my volunteer jobs, because I feel obliged to; but anything that nourishes the inside me is not worth the bother. Yet my T is proud of me. Says that this putting one foot in front of the other is something I wouldn't have been able to do a year ago. Is that true? I can't remember.
I see a new pdoc at the new of July. I hope I can plod along until then. Maybe I will ask for more T appointments to keep me afloat. I don't feel dangerous, just like everything is really hard work. If you need me, I'll be in the corner with my pillow.
And then this place!! I have an outstanding "please rephrase" from Dr Bob, which is actually worse than a Please Be Civil, because if you don't get it right, you get blocked. And he hasn't said whether my second attempt at putting the words in a different order is acceptable. So I feel like I have that hanging over my head. Where is that man, anyway? Is it any wonder I don't feel safe?
sp
poster:scratchpad
thread:766378
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070628/msgs/766378.html