Posted by DAisym on June 1, 2007, at 20:20:54
I hate cognitive behavioral therapy.
And yet...it is essentially what therapy has turned into for me, for right now. The person who hurt me most is coming to visit soon (in about a week) and I have been pretending that it isn't going to happen. And then I pretended that I would be just fine with it. And then I fell apart pretty badly so my therapist has been insisting, in a not so gentle way, that we "deal" with this visit.
Dealing with it means thinking about all the possibilities - the triggers, the comments, hugs...whatever - and figuring out what my responses will be. It doesn't feel good, this anticipatory preparation. I know it is necessary, but it still doesn't feel good. He keeps saying, "I never tell you what to talk about but..." He balances his insistence with support and soothing words, but he never lets me get too far from the subject. I'm watching myself fling red herrings out there -- but he just waits me out. Sometimes I dissociate completely and he has to call me back. But then we begin again.
I had a bad night. Really bad. I'm conflicted with needing to not know what happened to me and needing to protect the knowing. There is a war inside my head and my stomach has become the enemy. I just talked to my therapist - he said he has known all along that this would be awful for me, this week in particular will be hard. Probably harder than the visit itself. So he said he was rolling up his sleeves and he is ready to do the work we need to do, so I can get through it. And he said he is making himself really available to me, so I can stay grounded and feel safe.
But I don't feel safe. And I don't know how to "use" him right now. I know I need him. I've said to him that I'm terrified of how needy I feel and how worried it makes me. He just says he can handle it and this is one of those extraordinary times when he will be more pushy and intervene as necessary. He tells me to trust him. I do, I just don't trust myself.
I have no idea how to get through this weekend, except to just "get through it." I told him I would, "take another pill, and say another prayer." He answered, "and get by with a little help from your friends."So here I am, friends. I'll likely be posting a lot. Or not at all, depending on how medicated I stay. *sigh* It isn't supposed to still be this hard.
poster:DAisym
thread:760803
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/760803.html