Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:44:22
In reply to **Insight** triggers » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:23:24
Since I cannot take that episode out of my past.
I will reprocess it. I've written to T about it, and she responded with care and thoughtfulness. Even gave me a referral to Oprah's OB-GYN, who is known for her caring.
I reprocess this on on my own, mostly
LlurpsieList below**
1) mom was trying to make sure that I got the best care possible
2) Mom is strongly biased that all caring comes in the form of medical care
3) Mom doesn't understand that humans have emotions
4) Mom didn't recognize how hard it was to admit a problem. It got to be very bad before I went to her, and by that time, necessitated middle of the night ER visit.
5) Mom thought that all woman-doctor visits were okay and not so bad. Figured that I would think the same
6) Mom had the same woman doctor for years. Didn't quite recognize that I was terrified that I'd end up with a man. I didn't THANK GOD.
7) Mom didn't realize that I had intense fears that my condition meant that I was damaged forever.
8) Mom didn't know how to hold my hand. She just did her usual thing of being very passive unless she was being analytical
9) Mom was intensely curious about whether I was sexually active, and I was so ashamed about that that doctor picked up on it and sent mom out of the room.
10) but I still don't know. Doctor said some vague things which indicate that. Maybe I was active but... why wouldn't *I* know that. Of all people, I've had to be responsible for my own body since I realized at age 5 or so that mom didn't understand the difference between providing medical care and providing emotional support.
11) Skirted around the issue in therapy. I don't know. Still don't know. How will I ever know?
12) So unfair. Why me? How many times in this lifetime do I have to see woman-doctor? I wish I'd been born a boy. This stuff. So traumatic.
13) I better stop here. Too much to think about. Flooding the system. System needed, because life goes on. And because I won't see T for a few more days.
14) :(
Deep breaths and need to find my safe place. At least in my head. Not easy. Having troubles not hurting myself. If not cutting 'til I'm bleeding then I'm turning into quasi-anorexic. Haven't had anything besides pastry and smoothie since yesterday. Gag forced down that smoothie. This is not good. Can't carry this on forever. I will become weak, and I ought to be taking better care of myself.
If only I had known to prepare myself better...
sorry so sorry for so many triggers above. I just needed to get it out of my system. No need to respond. I wouldn't know how to respond if this were another poster.
Just. ignore this. sorry.
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:758675
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/758787.html