Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 22, 2007, at 8:23:24
In reply to Anxiety out of control..., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 21, 2007, at 19:55:00
I just realized why yesterday was so unmanageable.
I had to see woman doctor for the first time in 10 years. Emergency, you see.
It harkened back to my first woman doctor visit when I was still a teenager. Same condition. (no, KK not veneneal disease!)
When my mom insisted that I get a complete check-up since I was there. For my first time. And mom was in the room. Don't remember if she was looking or not. Why couldn't she just listen to the doctor who was trying to reassure us both that my condition was minor, and completely treatable?
And I had to cry myself to sleep, because I realized the depths of my mom's emotional stuntedness. The trauma of that situation, replayed a hundred times, and then reenacted yesterday (albeit with much more caring and sensitivity).
What I wouldn't do to take that little episode out of my past.
What I wouldn't do to be strong enough to say. NO MOM, I don't need the full workup. Let's just get out of here, and I'll make an appt. when *I'm* ready.
Now I'll never be ready. But since I won't be a student much longer, I am trying to take advantage of services provided by my Uni for free in a familiar setting.
Maybe if I tell them at the beginning of the appt. No, I'd never have courage to do that. I think they're being nicer to me since they see in my records the amount of psych drugs I'm taking. They surely suspect that something is "wrong" with me.
So hard. But at least I understand why yesterday was such a complete mess from start to finish.
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:758675
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/758778.html