Posted by Honore on May 5, 2007, at 17:44:21
In reply to Extreme Honesty -- really long, posted by Daisym on May 3, 2007, at 20:47:07
I find the issue of my T;s being mad at me is one thing we've worked out a lot-- partly, or most effecively-- when he did get mad at me.
He was extremely mad at me for a long time. I can't say I'd want to go through that again-- in fact, I don't want to-- and I think what I learned from it is that he gets mad not because he doesn't care, or not in the way my parents do-- from being "fed up" and indifferent, or cold and wanting me not to exist-- but from caring too much and feeling hurt and at his wits' end about how to help, and feeling like I'm rejecting his help, which hurts a lot.
I also learned, from going through it, some of how to work with his annoyance-- and how his annoyance and his anger or rage are different-- not all one monolithic emotion that escalates without my knowing what happened. And that I can affect them-- I can do things that show him that I"m listening, that I do know that he's trying to help, that I remember that he can help, even if not right at that moment-- that I want and am looking for, and trying to get in touch with some hope about myself, even if I can't at any particular moment.
I wonder if your T is afraid to get angry at you. He's so understanding and kind-- but maybe he isn't like my T, who does get angry. But sometimes when people care, they do-- not that I'm saying your T is that kind of person.
This may be more about me, than your T and his reactions to your not coming; it might be that I'm going through this still, and the aftermath of a year of extreme situations with my T. Anger is really terrifying, but it can be much less terrifying, if you learn how to keep going, and not buckle inwardly-- can know also that the other person doesn't want to be, and wont be driven away.--if you can let them in-- That they can be-- but that they don't want to be-- that you can go to far, but you can turn away from going too far-- not because you are too scared to make the person angry-- although it is scary-- but because you don't feel so scared of it-- you don't feel as if you have to push that far, in order to make it happen now, because it will happen someday and you feel that if it will happen, you can't stand the suspense.
Sorry if I'm not making sense. This is such a big thing for me-- people's getting angry and fed up, the way people do have limits and it is possible to go too far-- but you aren't fated to, you aren't having always to be so scared of what will happen someday when you aren't looking, or aren't prepared--that that anger is inevitable, and irreversible.
Maybe it's because of Pfinstegg's post-- and the way it reminds me of some explosive times with Ts-- and how that can be horribly devastating-- but that even t hough I feel I've come close with my T now to having everything break apart, and it's been awful, I've gotten somewhere important, by going over the line (not intentionally), and finding that I could finally make contact despite that, and find my way, and his way, back.
Sorry again to be jumbled.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:755643
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756128.html