Posted by muffled on May 3, 2007, at 13:59:30
In reply to Re: How do you know?, posted by wishingstar on May 2, 2007, at 19:32:03
> As much as I loved Ginny in the beginning, I'm starting to wonder if its not time for me to move on. Therapy has begun to feel like a complete waste of my time (and money). Basically the only thing I'm getting out of it right now is some attention. The sessions feel like theyre being spent with me just explaining to her what I've figured out about myself or telling about things that have happened so that she understands it.. but that isnt of any use to me. Of course I know there has to be some of that, but we never get to a place where I'm exploring new ideas/connections or talking deeply about feelings or anything like that. I'm glad she gets it and sees how its all playing out, but I'm not going to pay to tell someone what I already know.
**I'm back at that. Started to get ahead, now back to damage control and education....Seems like it cycles. I start to dig, get freaked, run. Come back and its round and round we go.
> I saw her this Tues. I told her that I'd taken a mini-OD on Fri (it wasnt really an OD at all - only 2 lithium - but I'd started taking them with the intent of taking the whole bottle). We ended up talking the entire session though about my relationship with this new guy I'm dating and whether he's good for me. I'd just had a very interesting cnversation with some coworkers before I saw her that made me think of it differently and so I basically explained my thoughts on that for most of the time. I just want to scream... who cares about my relationship with this guy if I dont make it to next week! Dont you hear me? Dont you hear how bad I'm feeling? Who cares if I'm trying to save him or not. It's just not important right now.
**Is there any possibility you could write down an agenda of what you would like to talk about at your appointment and hand it to T?
>
> I've talked to her before about how I feel like shes not hearing me, but it doesnt seem to have any effect. Caraher even talked to her on the phone the other day and explained to her what he thinks I need (validation, etc) but nothing changed. Shes stopped asking me if I have any notes for her (I used to write things down and she agreed to ask me every session if I had) and hasnt asked once how I'm feeling in the room, although she promised to do that from time to time after the big issue with changing the number of sessions.**Took my T mebbe 1 1/2 yrs B4 I start to feel mebbe she 'gets ' me sometimes now. My T forgets stuff too. Mebbe you could write stuff like 1. ask bout notes 2. ask bout mood etc on your agenda? Then she don't have to try and remember.
>
> I feel on some level like we've become too friendly. Like she likes me and likes to talk with me about insights etc etc and somewhere in that loses the fact that I'm hurting so bad. I tell her over and over that I know I look okay but I'm not.. but she doenst hear it. I just want some validation.**Hmmmm. Yup, I sometimes think that there are no words for the pain. And it may be that there isn't. If the pain is comming from a younger WS inside of you, she might not be able to explain, andf so its just this big morass of pain and confusion. My T is just starting to understand some.
Yeah, I sent my T a REALLY nasty fax where I basically told her to shove it up her *ss(literally)I also told her to tell me to go f*ck myself......and I thot mebbe I'd driven her away for good...but she was OK. But it helped, cuz we talked bout it, and it expressed my terror of talking bout stuff....Cuz for me its alot about fear..and anyhow she DID validate me that day, she said real earnestly , several times , that I doing good work, that she NOT gonna dump me. So I dunno, mebbe just belting out your angst in a fax might be an opening for you to talk w/her bout it? Don't worry bout being polite. Just express that sh*t insida ya in words, REAL words. If she any good of a T, she will understand that its fear and/or pain driving your words and actions.> I feel like I'm hitting the same wall I hit with Anne, my evil T from last year who dropped me while I was in the hospital. The problem is I dont think it's necessairly the Ts fault. I think it's me. So switching wont make a difference. The person who referred me to her (another clinician) said shes great at getting to the feelings. Well, what happened? Why are we stuck here then?
>
> It just feels like I'm wasting my time. If anything, I leave feeling worse because it feels so silly.. talking about my relationship when I cant even promise to be safe. She believes that we cant talk about the deeper issues until I'm more stable... but I dont know. I dont think I'm going to get much more stable until I stop believing I'm totally worthless and etc etc etc. I once gave her a list of what I think those "big issues" that keep this going are. We never addressed most of them.**Ohhh, my T would be so happy with you. She CBT trained and loves that stuff. I never did much good w/cbt stuff, but she keep picking away at little stuff, and once I dissoc less I start getting it some. But she needs to keep it in small little bits, or its unmanagable. Its frustrating and slow, but we can spend an entire session talking bout one aspect of a cbt thing(like self talk etc), and I STILL don't quite get it, but its sinking in, SLOWLY. But I guess what I am trying to say, is that stabilization IS reaaly important. Now when I go off on a freak, my freaks are smaller, shorter, less dangerous. So my T and I know, that (hopefully) I will be able to get thru the crazy emotional sh*t that comes up.
>
> I'm starting to feel like I want to hurt myself to get her attention.. to get her to hear me. I felt the same way (and actually did it on occasion) with Anne. I expressed that feeling to Ginny in a long note about lots of things once but she never addressed it.**Like I said, mebbe short and NOT so sweet note. Pick one thing that she really pissed you about and let it rip. If you nervous, you could warn her ahead....
>
> So now what? It feels like it's time to leave. But at the same time, am I just running from the issue? I dont know. I dont know.**I dunno Ginny, but mebbe you guys just need a shake up. It sure does help me w/my T, really does.
Guess this sounds really stupid, but it helps me to feel understood and 'heard' when I pull these stunts w/my T....
I wish you could get a more accessable p-doc, cuz it sounds like ypou need to get a better handle on the meds....
I was on a SSRI and it made me more self injury, but on a diff one I was OK. Meds seem to be really trial and error, and thats why I wish you had a more accessable p-doc...
Take care wishy, its a hard fight, but keep fighting.
My T said, in T I guess it feels like 2 steps forward and one step back(or more)for you? It does, but she also said, you ARE moving ahead, even if it seems slow to you, you ARE making great progress.
Hang in there wishy.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:754990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755529.html