Posted by wishingstar on May 2, 2007, at 19:17:01
In reply to Re: anyone available for CHAT? » wishingstar, posted by Honore on May 2, 2007, at 17:02:40
Sorry we missed each other honore, but thank you for trying. I've calmed down a lot now. I'm in post-breakdown "duh" mode... very slowed down, confused, just staring.. etc. I didnt end up paging Ginny. I hate to do it because it interrupts her personal life. I've called so much recently and I know it's getting to be too much.. and theres nothing new she could have said.. so I just didnt.
I'm not sure what happened. These breakdowns are starting to be an almost daily thing. I end up crying (more like sobbing), rocking back and forth, just not able to pull myself together. Made myself hyperventilate the other day. It lasts between an hour and three hours maybe, and then I pull it together, but still feel terrible. Thats what happened today. I scare myself with the suicidal stuff.. I always pull out all my pills and a glass of water and I havent taken any yet, but it's so close. It's scary.
I dont want to be back in the hospital. I can color 500 stupid little teddy bear pictures and still feel just as bad when I get out, no matter how long I stay.
I did call my pdoc today. After being hung up on by the phone system three times, I finally got through but they said she wont call in percriptions over the phone (my T wants me to get xanax or something to stop these breakdowns) so I'll have to wait until my appt on Monday. It doesnt feel like anxiety so I'm not sure xanax is the right choice but I guess anything to drug me up so I make it through the moments. But the problem is, I cant function this depressed, but I cant function on xanax every day either. Great.
I feel like I've tried everything. I'll post about my issue with therapy in a seperate post in a second but aside from that... I've been in the hospital recently, the day program didnt work out, I'm still trying different meds, I've called crisis services, I've called friends.. it just doesnt matter. Nothing even begins to help. Things are just getting worse and worse and I'm at my breaking point. I just dont think I can keep doing this. But I dont know what else to do to help myself.
I do have an appt with Laurie, old T from the other city, on Friday. I emailed her today and she got me in. I'll only see her once but hopefully shell be comforting or offer some perspective. I'm trying so hard, but it just doesnt seem to matter..
poster:wishingstar
thread:754990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/755316.html