Posted by muffled on April 13, 2007, at 23:20:44
Well, see T finally next Thurs, been a LONG time. Coupla months...
She wondered if I want to come back? I say I dunno, maybe this is as good as it gets. Mebbe I can't be any better. Maybe I am OK for awhile, then I triggered and kinda freak a bit. So then I go on seroquel a bit, and xanax, and coping mechanisms, and get by w/minimal damage. I am no longer dangerous to myself.
Maybe this is it. Maybe I just got to accept this is the way I am. I will not go certain places inside myself. I am afraid of the power. I am afraid of repercussions from my security system.
My T seems to think I am a nice person.
But what if we went where we weren't supposed to inside me, and there was rage. What if full protection kicked in? What if I screamed in her face? What if I grabbed her shirt, what if I got in her face and made her feel threatened.......EVERYTHING would change. EVERYTHING.
I never understood now really, until just this very second as I wrote this....THIS is why I early on in T, I kept asking her if she was afraid of me. (she would say, 'should I be?"). It was TERRIBLY important to me that she not be afraid of me. HUGE. But....hmmm...lost it...but if she becomes afraid of me it will all be over. I couldn't stand it if she became afraid of me.
Our whole relationship we built and that was SO HARD to achieve, will be destroyed.....in a matter of seconds....cuz if I ever see fear in her eyes it chnages everything for me too.....there is a part of me that is like a jungle animal....you never show fear to an animal....SH*T ANYWAYS.
Can anyone help me with this?
I lost.
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:749656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749656.html