Posted by wishingstar on March 6, 2007, at 16:27:22
Saw my T this morning. It didnt go so great.
She mentioned the possibility of trying intensive longer-term residential treatment.. something longer than just a hospital psych unit. A residential facility. No way. No way no way no way. I may be really depressed, but I'm not crazy. I refuse to drop out of life completely, as I'd have to do in order to go into a program like that, unless I'm dead.
She asked if I'd cut yesterday and when I said no, she said she was surprised. Nothing like your T having so much confidence in you, huh? (sarcasm)
We spent most of the session talking about my cases at work and the kid's stories. It's easier to talk about other people than yourself. I think it's just that neither of us know what to say to each other now.
She was unhappy that I stopped taking my meds after I got out. But I'm NOT going to take a med that puts my blood pressure down to 78/44 (yesterday morning) and pulse up to 145. Thats more than an annoying side effect.. its dangerous and scary. I knew she wouldnt be thrilled with that. I tried to tell her I'm not playing games. I dont know if she believed me.
It feels like it just doesnt matter now. I've lost her. We've lost each other. Neither of us has the first clue what to even say.
I'm seeing Laurie, my old T from this summer, next Wed. It was Ginnys suggestion, to see her once. I guess Ginny is hoping that Laurie will smack some sense into me and get things rolling for us again. But I went in there ready and willing to talk today, and the connection was just gone.
I'm really, really wanting to just quit therapy. She knows this. We're talking about the idea. There is no where else in town I could go twice a week either.. it was only this one place, and now their rules have changed. I'd rather cope on my own than be teased by it once a week. That's just enough to bring up the feelings, but not enough to really work through stuff (at least as things are right now) or let me feel supported.
She knows how I feel about all of that.. about not getting enough support, wanting to quit, etc.
I wish I knew what to do. It hurts. I'm feeling alone.
poster:wishingstar
thread:738775
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/738775.html