Posted by scentedgarden on February 17, 2007, at 17:11:16
In reply to Re: why don't friends understand? post 2 madeline » scentedgarden, posted by madeline on February 17, 2007, at 11:49:05
maddie...thank you for sharing ur insight with us...im most grateful for ur kindness and willingness to write back so eloquently...
may i ask one more thing plz...what happens if they ever do need to trust us...and the love they get from us...? my t said she trusts me of course i trust you she said in a sweet mummy voice... 5 weeks later she said no i dont trust u actually....i dont know what changed but she hurt me..with her change...
im at the stage now i cant bring myself to see her anymore... i just think its got too mixed up...i have been very hurt...not , not just the trust thing thats just a small part...but my heart cant bear to be near her anymore... i love her in too many ways right now, and cant stand the barriers... ive been helped, but now hurt..i dont say that word hurt lighty, as believe me my lifes been full of it...but with her recently i was more safe secure and happy, well loved than ever in my life...then she changed bang..!!!!
i cried , i thot id die ..but now im still alive the sharp stabbing pains in my heart and sternum have subsided...but im still only like a shadow...alone and in a place that feels scared to see her face as long as im on this planet ever again...maybe in heaven but not here...
to tease myself , looking at the person i want most in the world 3 feet away from me for 90mins...then be without her again for 6 weeks... im not that fecking stupid... i know i want to see her more than anything but not like this...not on her terms anymore...she hurt me...so she should lose me...i have to protect myself from the mummy who loved me back to life but that i developed sexual desire fantasy for more than ever in my life,,,she couldnt handle it so i pretended it had gone... then i discovered she had recently married... thats when my heart began to explode..not just the marriage...but it was a huge part of it...
if she knew i still loved her that way id have lost her...anyway who cares?? its my problem right?? and it is finished now...!!!
thank you maddie..
sg
poster:scentedgarden
thread:733403
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/733664.html