Posted by Daisym on February 8, 2007, at 23:47:21
In reply to Re: Helping Yourself - csa trigger » Daisym, posted by annierose on February 7, 2007, at 6:14:04
I brought up in group last night that I was having trouble with the exercise. I wasn't the only one! One person said she thought she couldn't do it because she didn't have kids yet and didn't know how to nurture or comfort a young child.
For me, it is purely about fear. And shame, I think. When I pull up a memory of me as a young girl and then add myself to it as a grown up, (so there are two of me there) the response is still the same. The grown up me doesn't know how to save the younger me because the only way to do that would be to acknowledge what is happening. And we must never ever do that. When it was happening, I dissociated completely. And afterwards, everybody pretended everything was fine and normal. To not be fine and normal is to invite further attention, anger, humiliation and potential violence. I believe that, even now. The adult can't risk it.
And there is another part, that is twisted and irrational. I don't want to embarrass my dad...I'm ashamed for him. I feel like I caused so much disruption and disappointment for him already, this would just add to it. After all, I love him, he is my dad.
I talked it over with my therapist a little bit today. I just told him that I'd reached the conclusion that it was too hard for me to do this right now. Even pretending. So I was leaving it alone, at least for a while. He was OK with that. He seems to think that the work needs to turn back towards me for a little while - not so much what was done but the fact that I think I had such a role in it. It is scary to believe that I had/have the power to "make" someone behave badly. I don't think I'm the cause -- but I believe I am. Does that make sense?
Anyway - thanks for all the feedback and the suggestions of how to work with this. I'll come back to it when I'm more ready, if ever.
Hugs for all,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:730667
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/731283.html