Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 7, 2007, at 8:22:33
In reply to Re: Survivors of suicide » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by one woman cine on February 7, 2007, at 7:42:34
> Aw thanks -
>
> & sorry for your own pain of suicide.me too
>
> I think suicides can be secrets - in any discussion I've had, people have talked about not only the grief, but the shame and the guilt.In our culture, or at least in my family, there is a strong sense of shame surrounding suicide. I usually just say ___ died. Of what?, people ask. Schizophrenia. (silence...mumbling... so sorry).
But in my heart, I also view the choice to take one's own life the supreme human right.
There are many reasons for desiring to kill oneself. I'm going to speak from my own personal experience, since I've grappled with these feelings
1) To end my suffering and pain and uncertainty
2) To end my shameful existence, because I hate all that I stand for
3) To "show THEM"
3a - that I was serious
3b - that I seriously hurting
3c - that all was NOT well
3d - that I needed better care
3e,f,g (private)
4) To obtain better care
5) To surrender my life, because I no longer feel autonomous and capable of making the decisions necessary to live
6) To end the wait to de
7) To end the wait to feel betterand some other more conflicted, personal feelings.
Please note that this is MY list. I don't intend to manipulate others. I think I have felt very close on a couple of occasions, and I think that it's important to share these feelings. They come from a dark place, but they don't make a human being a bad person, IMO.
I am ever grateful to the folks who stuck a hand out and helped pull me out of that pit of despair.
I think the real tragedy of suicide is when someone cannot see the hands trying to help them, and when they cannot see out of the pit that there is another world out there.
But I understand that feeling that one has done EVERYTHING to make his/her life worth living, and that the pain is simply too much to bear. We don't chastise car accident victims for "giving in" to their injuries and not fighting hard enough to live. It's easy to understand a fatal injury when someone is in an accident, or dying of cancer. It's a lot harder to understand it when the mind and the brain are so severely injured that death is the only relief. I guess the only way to understand it is to be there, but who can REALLY get inside another's consciousness to experience how the sum of their life's dreams and hopes cannot mitigate the urgent need to end suffering? I guess it's in the latter cases that I try so hard to understand mental illness as fatal disease for many. Lives cut short by cancer of the mind. Maybe this helps me justify the suicides of ones close to me- those that have been so deep in the pit that the hands reaching towards them were just too far away, and the pit was getting deeper and darker everyday.
> There is no way to really help someone through it. I think one can bear witness to the pain, but the journey towards healing from trauma is singular.
>
> It helps to talk about this and take away the shame and the guilt - to focus on the trauma and the grief & yes, sometimes the rage.
>
> I've talked about this so much - what I've realized is the intensity and volume is muted but the trauma of this will never, ever change. It will always be present.
yes. But remember that presence can be used to good ends too. Another's suicide can coax a discussion and help the survivors piece together a narrative that helps explain and partially understand. Another's suicide can provide impetus for one sufferer to seek treatment. Another's suicide can strengthen bonds between the survivors, or allow maladaptive bonds to dissipate before destroying too many lives.> But thank you so much for your post.
and for yours.
Take care,
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:730369
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730715.html