Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 6, 2007, at 21:45:57
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » Poet, posted by littleone on February 5, 2007, at 19:39:14
Hey littleone,
I'm so sorry that you have big bad secret memory.I know what it's like to feel like it's a weight. a horrible thing to carry from session to session.
I've done a couple of the big bad secret memory sessions now. They are really scary when you're in the thick of it. It has always been really difficult for me to deal with the dreams, in particular.
And the worst is the feeling that I'm the stupidest, weakest person in the world- why do I even bother telling T this? I already know about this memory. What can T tell me that is ever going to make it go away.
And then, in retrospect, I see the big bad sessions as turning points in a relationship. Kind of like when a teacher asks you about your personal life, or when the mailman asks you how your vacation was. Only SCARY as all hell!!!!
I guess the thing that surprises me the most is that T's LIKE this stuff. They like hearing our deepest dirtiest nastiest stuff. I "understand" why. It's because their client trusts them with it. Trust is so important to getting the hard work done. My bad parts fight and fight and fight over every single little dirty confession I offer to the woman sitting across from me. I believe she is my judge, about to sentence me to a code violation from the DSM-IV and impose a fine of self-loathing, or worse- a judgement of "incurable insanity" lock her up. etc...
But she LIKES it. she even told me on day one "I am here to hold your crap" and she held out her hands like she was holding an orange out. Hahahaha my joke is that my CRAP is much much larger than an orange. Somehow, though, after I tell the story, it's not so big anymore. It's not so scary.
But yeah, sometimes, the big ugly secret is just the bodyguard for the gigantic disgusting repressed memory. I KNOW it happened, but why, when, where? And there it is- the reason for my feelings of ___ in situations of _____.
The gigantic ugly secret is the truth. The truth as we make sense of our world right now, and the truth as we made sense of our world at the time the original memory was encoded.
Back to basic cognitive psychology "Every retrieval leads to re-encoding". That is that every time you retrieve a memory (and "work" on it, through discussion and elaboration, journaling, etc.) you have the OPPORTUNITY to knock it down a notch on the scary-ness scale.
Until then, just remind yourself that you are a very special littleone and you will be OKAY. the truth will set you free. the struggle will make you stronger. there are only 24 hours in a day.
((((((gentle hugs littleone)))))))
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:729410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730626.html