Posted by Daisym on February 6, 2007, at 0:30:53
In reply to Re: from Ms. Schmidt: therapist self disclosure, posted by widget on February 5, 2007, at 18:11:57
I think you've stumbled on one of the most painful paths in therapy - learning to feel love and express it. If your therapist isn't handling it as well as he might, he isn't alone. The fact that he went for help is so admirable, but still, he wants to "get it right" and I don't really think there is a right here. Allowing love into the room is just like allowing anger, or hate - and yet love scares people more than these other two expected emotional responses. I know so many therapists who sort of rub their hands together in glee when the anger appears -- they are ready to take anything you can fling at them...but begin the love conversation and they turn into puddles.
I've told this story here before - but it is worth telling again. When I began to talk about the range of feelings I was having for my therapist, I talked all around the word love. I "cared about him" - I felt "intensely" for him, I missed him, needed him, etc. One afternoon, we were talking about the double-edge sword of my feelings and he said, "why do you feel so bad for having these loving feelings for me? I'm honored by them. No matter what you've seen in the movies, this just doesn't happen that often." The tears welled up for me and I said, "I'm ashamed and scared to say this is love." He said, "why?"
It was raining and his office is up high in the trees and is surrounded on three sides with windows. It was completely quiet, all you could hear was the rain and the trees dripping. I finally whispered, "because you aren't mine to love." And he said, "but I'm here. And in here, I am yours. Therapy love is very special, something to be cared for and to be nurtured...and I'll treat it with all the tenderness and respect it deserves. That doesn't mean we do anything with it, we just accept it and it is totally OK that you feel this way."
Since then we've identified all the different aspects of this love - mostly maternal but laced with adult loneliness too. I still smile inside when he refers to my "loving" feelings - it doesn't sound so bad like that. I should tell you also that my therapist's wife is a therapist and works next door in his other office (I see him there too) so it was difficult to admit all this on so many levels.
Normally I'd say, "keep talking about this." But if you clearly have a therapist who can't or won't, perhaps getting a consult with another therapist might help. It sometimes helps to have a fresh pair of ears on the subject. Good luck and know that what you are feeling is really, really normal.
poster:Daisym
thread:316425
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730244.html