Posted by annierose on November 24, 2006, at 22:47:17
It feels as if my therapist and I have been coming from differing points of views lately. Although intellectually I understand where she is coming from, it hurts. I told her today that she keeps sterlizing our relationship by constantly reminding me that "I'm your therapist" --- ouch. She defends her remarks by reminding me she wants me to understand why she says and does the things she does ... because "she is my therapist" and this relationship has special rules and boundaries to protect the client. She went on to explain her position as "neutral".
That's it! That is what I keep bumping up against. I told her, "I feel anything but neutral here and it saddens me to think that I don't matter to you."
T: You do matter but I must maintain my position as neutral so we can explore the lens you view the world through
me: I think it's more than that. You want to remain neutral to protect yourself.
T: What do you mean?
me: If you keep me at arm's length, you are not as invested in me, and you won't take personally things I say or do. The fact you think you are neutral is so sad. I want to matter, I want you to be proud of me. I want you to care.
I was locked out of her office last week and the following day she ended our session 15 minutes early (but caught her mistake as I was getting up to leave). I brought up those examples as "evidence" of feeling pushed away and of course she apologized and explained away both incidents. If the situation was reversed, it would be a Freudian moment!!
On the one hand I hear what she is saying. This all goes back to my deep seated belief that I am unlikable and disposable. But I am saying, "I want more." I told her there is a difference between being a blank slate and being a friend to a client --- there is the great in-between area that would seem more human, more kind, more comfortable. She said, "And I try to be that. I try to be supportive to you." She said something about me being harsh (again!) and I didn't quite catch that.
I feel our relationship is so darn complicated at the moment. As much as I value her, our relationship is as frustrating as ever.
I recently opened a new business. "I wish you could have said you were happy for me, or proud me, or something." She replied, "I acknowledged your announcement." That is nothing. That is like saying "The sky is blue" it doesn't say anything about her feelings. She went on to say more kind things but I had to prompt her.
I just don't know what is going on. I know more than half of this is my "stuff" being pasted on her. But it sure doesn't feel like she is helping me with it. Although we are getting farther than we have ....
Any thoughts?
poster:annierose
thread:706936
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/706936.html