Posted by sunnydays on November 6, 2006, at 22:16:05
In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again » sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 5, 2006, at 23:02:18
> You aren't way off base - this is sort of what I mean. I hate how I sound in therapy, btw. I think I sound whiny.
**** I'm sure you don't sound whiny. But isn't it funny how we hear ourselves so differently than other people hear us?> You should ask him. It is never good to guess at what your therapist means or meant. I've learned that lesson the hard way. It is likely to be a fruitful discussion.
**** Yeah, I know, because I often decide what he means wrong and he has to explain. But I'm getting better at figuring out what I have distorted and what is true. I hope I can bring it up. It might take me a while, though.
> Don't be sorry - I ask lots of questions myself. I wasn't aware of these ego states until I started talking about the abuse. I knew about some of the things that happened to me, but the more I talked about what happened at 11, the more I knew more happened. It has been a weird experience - I wouldn't have believed how real it all feels if it hadn't happened to me directly. The abuse I suffered was severe and prolonged, so the dissociation was pretty pronounced. I think the parts that hold the memories do so because I'm not ready to integrate everything yet. And you know, it isn't even really what happened at these ages, it is more about why it happened and the fact that I feel so guilty and so at fault. The shame is huge. My therapist tells me often and very forcefully that is isn't my fault (her fault - the younger part of me) but it is hard to really believe fully. So the younger age states hold the blame, the shame and most of the pictures. I don't go there as often as I used to, but sometimes I still "turn" into her.
**** ((((daisy))))) I don't really have a whole lot of the memories dissociated away. Some I don't remember all the time, but I sort of always knew they were there. But I have a really hard time believing it wasn't my fault, as many times as my T tells me. And he has told me so many times, and he really tries to get me to believe that. I can tell that he so wants me to believe that because he can feel how much I hurt myself by blaming myself, but I'm just not there yet. Or I think I'm not blaming myself when I say something, but it turns out I am in a more roundabout way. It's so hard.
> aah, that makes me sad. How could you not deserve lots of long responses? You are important to this board and to me. (((Sunnydays))) When do you see your therapist again?
***** I see him Friday. Although I hate saying that, because then the thoughts of "what if he cancels, what if something happens to him?" come up. And thank you for saying I'm important. One of these days I'll start to believe it.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:700352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/701095.html