Posted by Dinah on October 31, 2006, at 12:57:05
In reply to Re: Wow, posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 7:19:14
My therapist said the same thing. That I was being a better mother to my son than my mother was to me, and that that would change things for him.
But I think that's true to some extent, but isn't true to another extent. It's true that I understand, and that's helpful. And it's true that I can to some extent help him with what I've learned. And I know things that would probably not be good for him and I can avoid those things.
But... Whatever I do, he's going to have meltdowns. It's part of who he is. And even to the extent I can help him, say by teaching him things that reduce the frequency or intensity of the meltdowns, he is going to have problems in his life because of them.
I'm not saying that in a negative way about him, or about me as a mother.
I'm saying that in an accepting way about me and my own meltdowns. My parents didn't cause them, and no amount of therapy will "fix" me. Because I'm not broken any more than my son is. This is just who I am, and it's going to cause me problems just like it grants me strengths. I have to learn to value the strengths and accept the fact that I'm going to have problems. And realize that there's not going to come a point where I say "I'm cured!" There's going to come a point, and it's not miles off either, where I say
"I have a chronic condition that I can learn to deal with in healthier ways. It helps me in some ways, and hurts me in others, and I can learn to maximize the help and minimize the hurt. I can do things that contribute to this, like ongoing supportive therapy, stress management, keeping as healthy as possible, and watching myself around triggers to see if pressure is building up."
But I don't think I can be reparented to not be like this, because *this is who I am*. It's how I was born, it's genetic, and it's *OK*. I don't have to get angry with myself or anyone else for this. It just is.
And by recognizing that my son is a wonderful person just as he is, it might help me to accept that I'm ok just as I am.
I just need to think of it like I do my migraines, and not as a character flaw or sign of personal weakness. I wouldn't even be surprised if it had the same root biological causes as my migraines.
And perhaps I need to stop pathologizing it as much as I do with labels (even if they're helpful) and just start seeing it as part of the total package.
poster:Dinah
thread:698681
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/699318.html