Posted by Racer on October 27, 2006, at 12:44:53
In reply to Two deaths this week for my T, posted by bent on October 27, 2006, at 10:55:04
There is no heirarchy of suffering.
Truly -- there is no heirarchy of suffering. That someone else suffered a permanent loss does not diminish the suffering I may feel over a temporary absence. And I'm allowed to hurt just as much for my temporary loss.
>
> I am thinking I am just a selfish pig for sitting here planning not to return to my therapy at least for several weeks. I have the audacity to sit here and feel sad because my T does in fact have a life ...How about "I feel sad," and leave it at that? You don't have to do the "I must be a terrible person for feeling sad" part, too. The two do not follow. It's OK to be sad.
>She too is probably sad right now but for a much better reason than me.
No, you have a legitimate reason to be sad. And you don't need a legitimate reason to be sad, anyway -- emotions just *are.* Difficult as that is for me to get my mind around, I've been told that so many times by people I trust that it's starting to sink in. If you feel sad, then you have a legitimate reason to feel sad -- and you don't have to be able to explain it to anyone else for it to be legitimate.
So, another phrase to repeat with me: "Emotions just are."
>No one died in my life. I have the nerve to sit here and think about when my grandmother died and how the only person I could not be around, could not show emotion around, or be comforted by was my mother. But I envision my T and her daughters getting one another through this time. I must be a total slug to be envious of the support and comforting my T will be giving/receiving.
That's grief. Did you recognize that? You're experiencing grief that's just as real, just as painful, as what your T must be experiencing right now. Her grief is probably easier, in many ways, to bear than yours is. You're grieving for all that you didn't get, all the psychic injuries you've suffered. Those are particularly painful, and they're harder in that you have them in part because no one helped you learn to grieve. Now you're trying to learn to deal with that grief that you've had bottled up all this time.
You know what? I think this would be a great subject for therapy. "T, I've been struggling, because I kinda envy you in your time of loss, to have people to comfort and be comforted by. I'm hurting a lot, because I never had that. And I feel terrible for feeling this way." I think it would be very valuable, and I hope I would be able to take advantage of it if I were in your shoes. (That's my way of saying I know it's harder than that makes it sound. I'm not sure I'd be able to say anything about it in your situation, but I hope I'd be able to take advantage of that opportunity.)
> I don’t like myself for feeling this way.
>But again -- emotions just are. They're not something to be ashamed of, they're something to understand, to learn to process, to become comfortable with. There is no rule book that says, "In situation A, you must feel X." Whatever you feel is legitimate.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can accept yourself. If it helps, we accept you here. Just exactly the way you are.
poster:Racer
thread:698174
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/698195.html