Posted by wishingstar on September 25, 2006, at 22:50:37
I'm sorry for disappearing on you all here recently. I am still around and doing my best to get through the days right now. I'm feeling incredibly fragile, like any sudden move on my part could bring my entire world crashing to the ground. My lack of posting definitely was not because I wasnt thinking of you all or felt like babble was a chore.. I love it here. I'm just so scared right now.
I finished partial last Thursday. Transitioning was very hard. When I left, Randy hugged me and I cried.. mostly tears because I was so proud of myself for having done this. I know I learned a lot and it was one of the scariest but best decisions I'd made in a long time. He gave me a little stone that says "hope" on it and I've carried it in my pocket every day since. I also bought myself flowers to treat myself... he made me promise I'd do something. Theyre starting to wilt, but it does make me feel good to look at them. Waking up and not going to partial anymore has been hard. It was a very safe, comfortable space for me, and every where else feels very unsafe right now. I miss it.
I'm supposed to be starting therapy with a new T soon. Randy said he'd call me once she called him about scheduling (he was going to set it up).. that was Thurs and nothing yet. The scared part of me is saying "see, he'll never call! give it up!" but I trust him. He'll do what he said he'd do. I just hope it's soon.
I dont think I'm going to forget the things I learned in partial.. being easier on myself, trying to allow myself to be happy, etc. They've stuck. But the reality of life has started coming back in full force. The pain that was temporarily taken off my shoulders by being there. I was really hoping it'd just stay away.. but of course, it doesnt work that way. but....
*** possible suicide triggers belowPart of me just wants to die. I dont know how to make that go away. It just feels so rational (even though I know it isnt). I can be easier on myself, love myself even (i dont yet).. but it doesnt take away the fact that I just hate being alive right now. Sure, there are good things in my life, but in a way, I'd be willing to trade it in. I'm on the new meds - no effect yet - but I've had so many bad experiences with drugs, I dont have a ton of hope in them working. But I'm trying it. What do I have to lose? I've done the partial hosp thing, done therapy for many years, and here I am.. feeling as bad as ever. Certainly different than I used to feel, but not really "better". Not happier. Just different.
School is very hard. I missed 2 weeks (5 hours) of an advanced statistics class and tomorrow will be my first day back. I just feel like I cant do it. I'm so far behind in everything and have absolutely no motivation to catch up. I've read maybe 2 articles (of 10? 15?) all weekend, and that was hard for me. I really want to just quit school. But then I'd feel like a failure and really, what would I do with myself then anyway? I just feel so completely overwhelmed with it all.
I just cant keep doing this forever. Randy would say.. one bad hour or day doesnt mean your entire week (etc) is bad. It's just a bad day. But how many bad days does it take to make things just overall bad?
I guess I'm just feeling sort of hopeless, as if that isnt obvious. I want to throw my hands up and say okay, you win, I give up. I cant imagine anything a T could say to me that would make me feel any better.. especially now that I'm starting over. I miss Anne. Even though she wasnt that great, she was safe. I really feel like I need her. I have an appt with Laurie on Friday, so maybe that will be good. Who knows.
It really means so much to me that you all posted that you were thinking about me. I also appreciate the babblemails.. I havent responded to them yet, but thank you. Really. I guess I'm just pulled in so many directions (internally) right now I just dont even know how to put anything into words. Part of me feels like feeling bad is almost a betrayal of Randy, which is dumb.. he doesnt expect me to be 100% better after 2 weeks in partial. Of course he doesnt. But still.
I just dont know.
poster:wishingstar
thread:689266
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/689266.html