Posted by Daisym on September 9, 2006, at 21:44:34
In reply to Daisy?, posted by sunnydays on September 9, 2006, at 20:24:44
Ask yourself how much of this is based in any kind of reality. Has he ever told you about a client he dislikes or who got "fired" from therapy? Has he been "mad" at you yet? I say yet on purpose, because in a deep and close relationship, it is inevitable that some kind of dischord will occur. And then you talk about it. Maybe you write about it. But you figure out why it happened and how to either accept what has happened, or how to change it.
My therapist has admitted to getting frustrated with me. Usually this happens when he knows something is bugging me and I can't tell him about it. And I pull back and don't share my feelings with him. I come to therapy in knots and we don't get anywhere. He says the frustration is around not being able to help me or break through the anxiety. I get scared and upset when he gets frustrated. But everytime, EVERYTIME, we've worked through it. And I've been mad at him too. And we've worked through it.
And the other thing to ask yourself is this: How ethical is your therapist? If you believe that he is committed to his clients and a good therapist, than it is highly unlikely that he will terminate you suddenly. I won't say at all, because things do happen. But there are legal rules about abandoning clients and there are procedures to transfering them.
For me, I know that my abandonment fears come from two places. My dad left us when I was 12 and I didn't have much contact until I was 18. He left suddenly, I don't remember a good-bye. It is so complicated because he was abusing me, and yet I loved him so much. And I never had a chance to "fix" things with him. And my mom never had time for her kids - she loved us but she was so busy working and trying to hold it together as a single mom, she had her hands full. And since she didn't know what was happening to me, I never felt held in her thoughts - essentially she emotionally abandoned me too. So I'm waiting for my therapist to do it to me too. Old habits die hard, I guess.
Let me share one more thing with you: I've worked with my therapist for 2 1/2 years now. I love him in a million different ways and he knows this. I struggle with some of the ways this love feels. On Thursday we were redefining our relationship, for lots of reasons. I said, "I have to stop being in love with you...I feel like I'm pulling on you emotionally all the time." He said, "why? I'm not asking you to stop anything. We need to keep talking about it. But you know, it isn't hard for me -- having someone rant and rail at me, hate me all the time - that's hard. I can take that too, but trust me, your loving feelings are a gift, not a burden."
That makes me smile -- and for a little while I stop worrying. Try to just give yourself small moments to believe him. And then give yourself other small moments to believe in his ethics. And then a few more small moments sprinkled in to think about the times you've made him smile or touched him. Together they will help counter-act all the moments in which you worry.
I know how scary it is to be this attached to someone who is not bound to you in any concrete way. This is where trust comes in. Don't beat yourself up for not trusting, it is super hard when you are us.
Keep posting. I find it helps me when I feel super scared. I'm in class tomorrow but I'll check tomorrow night.
((((Sunnydays))))
poster:Daisym
thread:684352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684603.html