Posted by llrrrpp on June 4, 2006, at 23:03:16
I don't feel especially depressed today, but I feel really lonely. and bored. and definitely anxious. make that ANXiOuS.
I mentioned the fact that I bite my cuticles to T, and he said we'd do som CBT stuff in a few weeks, when I started feeling better (i.e. when I was functional, communicative, had a memory span longer than 3 seconds)
Well. I think the time has arrived. I feel less cognitive impairment from my depression. pdoc said that the cymbalta would be good for anxiety, but I need some help.
I've been picking. using all kinds of tools. I've got 8 bleeders, and every finger is raw. and I scratched up the inside of my arm again. this is different than a suicidal feeling. This is a need to feel something? I don't know. Maybe it's a request for attention. It's misplaced though. I did try calling people to feel less lonely. A few of the people I talked to were kind of stressing me out. I went to look at cat websites
http://www.stuffonmycat.com/?&blogid=1
and that was fun for a while, but there are lots o sharp things in my place, and they are fun too, or at least they cause a happy calm feeling. A little pain, but then... something not pain. something else. I should learn more about nociception.
I'm so gross. I've done the hangnail picking thing, but never like this before. and I've never self-injured until... last week (unless you call binge-drinking self-injury. I guess a case can be made for that)
Well, T says I need something else to do with my hands. I was kind of joking, and I said "like smoking" (He knows I'm not a smoker) "No, although ... smoking is kind of similar..."
So, should I take up smoking? (only half-joking)
no I won't take up smoking. it's stinky and expensive.
but something. anything. I have to face the world tomorrow with my mauled hands. I can't wear gloves. it's not like my arm, which can wear band-aids and long sleeves.
sorry I'm rambling. I'm trying to keep my fingers busy. tap tap tap tap.
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:653013
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060604/msgs/653013.html