Posted by Daisym on May 31, 2006, at 23:10:16
I saw my therapist out in the community for the first time last week. He didn't see me. We were shopping at the same store. My initial impulse was to introduce my son to him. There was this surge of excitement and then, wham! I got hit with this huge wave of embarrassment, like I wasn't supposed to be there, like I was intruding on his personal life -- like, boy-oh-boy, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE! It made me shake and feel sick. And it brought up so much sadness. I guess he does have a "real" life that doesn't include me.
I waited until almost the end of the session yesterday before I "confessed" that I'd seen him. And that is how I did it too...I said, "I need to tell you something." So we talked about what it would be like to run into him in public and he said he was surprised it hadn't happened before. He said, "Of course we say hi" which made me smile. And then he went on to talk about protecting my privacy, etc. He stopped when he saw my tears and backed up. He said lots of people have mixed feelings about seeing their therapist out in public, so it was understandable that I felt sort of upset. We talked about where the sadness came from and moved into the realm of my feelings for him. We've talked about these many times, but I keep thinking they will go away. I told him that I was worried that I had some secret fantasy that eventually we would be together -- secret even from myself. He nodded and said it was possible. But more likely it was just jarring and scary to think that he wasn't holding me in his thoughts constantly. I told him that is brought up so many questions for me and opened that whole can of "do you like me?" worms. He wanted to know what "like" meant - and what would it mean to me if he did? Luckily, session time was up.
Today he brought it up gently and I told him that being likable meant doing stuff for people. But it called into question so many things I don't like to think about -- like physical attractiveness. I don't want to care about being attractive, but I do. I don't think I am -- I weigh too much, my nose is too big and I hate my hair -- but I know I dress nice. I called it "putting on the right costume." It was such a hard thing to talk about - wanting to be attractive and yet not wanting to be too attractive and I kept saying, "I'm not making any sense, am I?" He said he thought that my internal experience didn't make sense which is why this is such a hard subject. All little girls need to know they are pretty and yet it was very dangerous for me to be attractive to my dad. And my dad was always telling me what a beautiful young woman I was and he liked to take pictures of me. My therapist said I've never told him that - I guess it is a subject I avoid well.
I did share that lots of people here find it very hard to talk about weight and looks, etc. in therapy. He was surprised at that. "Harder than sex?" I said at least as equally hard.
It was a hard session. I spun out, and got very frightened of the chaos I was feeling. I told him not to push this subject. He didn't. But he didn't let it go completely either. Eventually we arrived at that inevitable place of him wanting to know if this was connected to yesterday and me wanting him to like me. Of course it is! But I said I just didn't think I could handle it if he didn't like me and he didn't think I was attractive, even if he still cared about me as a client. But if he did think I was attractive, did that make him dangerous? He said I was safe with him, that all these feelings were coming up because they were safe to explore with him. And he said it was important that I reclaim my body as mine and not have such a hatred for it. I don't know how.
Because I really don't want it. I want to just be a mind and spirit. But I know I want to look better too. So how does all that fit together? And how do you bring that into therapy? This is a no win situation for him, he just doesn't know it yet. If we talk about how I could lose weight, I will think he thinks I need to. If we talk about exercise and healthy eating, I will think he thinks I need to lose weight. If we talk about using physical exercise as a stress reduction technique, I will think he thinks I need to lose weight. And I already know I do, I just want to pretend that he hasn't noticed.
This is definitely one of the hardest things I've talked about so far. :(
poster:Daisym
thread:651297
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/651297.html