Posted by caraher on April 20, 2006, at 22:31:14
In reply to Re: need support and suggestions please » happyflower, posted by fairywings on April 19, 2006, at 18:14:03
Hi fw,
After your followup post with more details it's pretty clear that your worries are justified. The two telltale signs are lying and protecting "exclusive" activities with her.
My judgment is based on how I've handled vaguely similar situations. The key is openness. If there's "nothing to hide" than he should be happy to be open with you. For instance, I could see him deciding that, in spite of your objections, there's really nothing wrong with going to lunch with her and doing so. But he should own up to it. Maybe when he "slipped" he was just telling you? But it seems like he's in the habit of telling you what he thinks you want to hear, which is why he told you he wouldn't go to lunch alone with her.
And the golf thing... with your daughter coming along... that's just weird. Golf is not work, and he's choosing to spend his time this way rather than doing something with you. And it doesn't sound like "just a round of golf" if he's bringing your daughter along. It reminds me of things my own father did before he divorced my mother, right down to the leaky secrecy. (All us kids had been reading the diary he'd shelved in the family room, detailing his affair, long before my mother had any clue what was going on.)
It sounds like your daughter should have some good insights on what's really happening. It seems as if he's trying to establish your daughter and his colleague in a friendship, an opportunity he's not extending to you.
This year I've begun working closely with an attractive woman. She's shared some pretty personal things about herself with me, and we meet once a week for what amounts to a long lunch. Business is on the agenda but by no means exhausts it. But I've made a point of introducing my wife to her; we've exchanged dinner visits and my wife really likes her. We get together just to talk from time to time, but we don't exchange nighttime phone calls. It's not a secretive relationship because there is no need for secrecy. The secrecy and deception are big red flags.
And I hope you didn't take my defensiveness as implying that I thought you were overreacting. I was just being a bit too sensitive to how people put things in support of you... (((fw)))
poster:caraher
thread:634788
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/635426.html